Depressed and Insecure - 9/28/2022

 Why do I dismiss my emotions? Emotion is a way for people to bond and relate when there is little else to relate to. For a long time, I've had this urge to overcome my emotions. Of course, this is impossible. I think I was dealt an unfortunate hand, either genetically or through my life experiences, that has led me to be emotionally stunted. The older I get, the less confident I feel. Maybe this is natural, or perhaps I'm looking at myself honestly for the first time. The way I behave most of the time shows signs of a social disorder. Am I just a quiet person? Who is as quiet as I am? I constantly repeat things and struggle in the most inconsequential of social interactions. No matter what way you look at it, I have symptoms of autism. What about when I'm not struggling? I can look at times when I behave as though I have no symptoms of autism whatsoever. What makes this different? Maybe I am a higher functioning autistic person. Autistic people lack self-awareness. I have focused much of my life on self-awareness. This creates a paradox, am I simply more self-aware than the average person with autism, or am I so overtly self-aware that I project my insecurities onto myself and create a snowball effect of insecurity? If I don't have autism, if I am a regular person with anxiety, depression, and insecure thoughts, then goddamn what a low this is. Imagine lacking confidence to the point you start to believe you have autism? Either I'm suffocated by anxiety and depression or I'm gaining awareness with age, at a slower rate than most. It doesn't help that I can't have a conversation with anybody in my family without experiencing dramatic anxiety. I feel more comfortable around my friends than the woman and the man who gave me life. I may be digging deeper and deeper into a hole of insecurity that I can't escape. I need help. This all makes me go fucking crazy. It makes me want to give up. Nobody has ever told me or indicated that I have some social disorder, at least to my knowledge. Anxiety is obvious, many people have even told me that I'm "chill". It's weird being called chill when you're on the verge of a panic attack. Ironically, it chills me out a bit. Maybe I'm too isolated. The weird thing about isolation, though, is that once you're in it, getting out is now a project, not a choice. You have to work every single day not to fall back into this pit of pain and angst and depression. Even on my best days, I still feel it, like a parasite. Even laughing my heart out, I get glimpses of it. I restructure my good memories to fit with the depression that makes sense to me, making it feel like it's always been this way. I feel like a piece of shit. Love is the only light in my heart and I can't find it. Who would love me? Who would love all of this? You? Well, maybe that won't satisfy me. I'm talking about real love. Intimate, hold onto you for dear life love. Love a man like me can't find right now. I share this because I need to be honest. I am not doing well. I need to justify myself because the flash of a face who reads this with disgust passes through my mind. Well, I'm sorry, but I can't keep apologizing. I need to let my demons go, and put them on a goddamn something because them living alone in my mind is terrifying. I am being tortured by myself and I can't help it. So I'm sorry, but read this, and take it seriously. My life is on the line. Don't pity me, don't appease me, treat me as I am. All I need is honesty right now. My life lacks it so heavily. I would love to speak with you about this in person but when? How? Where? It won't happen. I'll die before I see your eyes failing to understand my mind and using pity as a copout instead of having an actual conversation. Of course, I'm not mad at you. You're doing your best, under the circumstances. They're my problems that I need to deal with. You have your own. I can't expect you to give me your all when you already have so much. Especially when I need so much. In a storybook tale, I find a woman that can take me. A strong woman who understands me and sees the bright spots and strengthens them. I will do the same for you. I will not take you for granted. I can't. Of course, maybe in my mind, this is all too perfect. Maybe I find this woman and it's everything I want, but not what I need. Maybe I slowly degrade until I die a lonely death. Maybe I can't take it anymore and I do it myself. Maybe I become a drug addict and do either. My optimism is killed by my lack of skill, talent, discipline, and willpower. All I have right now is this and the few people who take the time to read it. I don't take you for granted. Even if you can't give me what I need, I appreciate you. You do help. But I need more. The repetitive days and the unchanging mental state are painful. I'm going to keep trying. 

Head up, chest out.

Every day I get up and grow, that's what I chose.

If it does not kill you, it can be tolerated.