Vices and Cycles

   It is absolutely confounding how much my mood impacts my mental state. I believe we all live our lives in cycles and as our awareness of these cycles increases, our ability to manage them does so too. At this point, I am aware of when I'm in a poor mental state and I'm used to it. When I'm in a good mental state is when I lack understanding. I misunderstand what puts me in that state. A telltale sign I'm in a good place is when I smoke weed and continue with life as if my world hadn't just collapsed in on itself. Weed makes everything slow down. For some reason, it gives me a bias toward negative thoughts. My ability to out-maneuver them is shut down. I can't move on. I get stuck in this feedback loop of insecurity and anxiety. When I make good choices I hope they solve my problems but all it does is increase the recognition that the upward climb is much more difficult than the downward fall. This is only more evidence that I need to deal with my problems before they become problems. I have the knowledge, but I'm lacking the will and discipline. When I'm in a positive headspace and I'm on an upward trend, I always end up making self-destructive decisions on the basis of desire. If I feel good sober, imagine how good I'll feel high or drunk? When I get high or drunk and it feels euphoric, I want to continue chasing that feeling. I guess that's the basis of the show Euphoria, huh? How people smoke and drink every day and are at all functional is beyond me. In some ways it's impressive and in some ways, it's sad to see. If a person can function well when using a substance known for augmenting and limiting the mind, imagine how they can be sober? This is one of the main thoughts that originally led me to quit smoking. I'm certainly not functional when smoking ganja on the daily and I'm barely functional sober but that just shows I need all that I can goddamn get to keep my head up and move forward. Head up, chest out. Silence, I'm stressed out. Be quiet, I'm stressed out. Stressed out, stressed out, stressed the fuck out.