Alcohol

 I don't understand alcoholism. Maybe that's a sign that I haven't given up yet. Even at my lowest, I knew alcohol would only make me lower. So why do I drink? Why do I get belligerently drunk? I see alcohol as poison and I know consuming it can only damage my health, both mental and physical. So what is it about the toxin that makes me indulge heavily on those rare nights? I think it's hope. Hope that I can experience the enjoyment I have in the past. I love stupidity. Nothing makes me laugh harder than pure obliviousness. Even my own, I laugh at myself when I recognize my own stupidity. At the same time, it's my biggest insecurity. I feel so incredibly comfortable when I'm drinking with close friends and we're busting our guts laughing at ridiculous nonsense. We are all on the same team. There's no pressure to present me in a certain manner. We can all cut loose and joke around. The mixture of my personality with alcohol can induce things I didn't know I was capable of, both good and bad. There's a line in the sand that blurs due to intoxication. When everybody sees that line with blur, an experience can occur which happens rarely. A deep conversation interwoven with heavy-hitting jokes. I push for this because I consider it my brand. Deep conversations with jokes sprinkled in to keep things light and enjoyable is my peak life. We don't need alcohol for this but it has the power to induce it in a comfortable way. I drink for other people. This has always been the case. The first time I drank it was to create an experience for me and everybody around me and it was a blast. It was three years ago now and the people there bring it up and say it was the highlight of their week. This brings me such great joy, I want to regain that sense of enjoyment and experience it with other people, so I push myself to drink more and more. Ironically, when the people around me aren't drinking as much, I try to drink more in the hopes that it will persuade them. When people around me are drinking plenty, I drink more to match them. There is a difference, though. When I'm matched with the energies of those around me, I feel more comfortable taking it slowly knowing that I'm on the same page with them. When I am the only one, I continue drinking in the hopes that it won't matter that I'm the only one, or that I'll at least influence people to be more energetic. There are some exceptions to this but in reflecting I think it's pretty solid to say that this is how and why I drink so much. Of course, though, the more intoxicated one gets the more the line blurs. If those around you aren't matching your energy, or worse, they're tired or high, it creates a situation that can go off the rails pretty quickly. Miscommunication is overtly prevalent in this situation and it will almost certainly create an unpleasant memory. People's perspectives of you shift and this image is lodged into their minds. So now one of the prime reasons I drink, to not worry about presenting myself in a certain manner, is now a negative aspect of drinking. I've made mistakes and I am always ready to admit that and make up for what I've done. Some mistakes, though, can't be fixed. Some cars can't be repaired. Some relationships can't be saved. Some perceptions are fixed.