Communication
Is there any room for direct, clear-cut communication? I feel lost every day, my direction is skewed and I don't know which way to turn in the most trivial situations. I look at the people around me, ignorant of what goes on in their minds. I so desperately want to know what's going on, or maybe I'm more interested in their opinion of what is going on. I want to know what you think of what is going on from a deep, personal level. Is this uncommon? I find depth in every situation, every moment I could tell you what I think about that particular moment, and I want to. However, I'm starting to feel like this concept is me trying to justify why I am acting the way I do at the moment. I am unable to cut loose. I am always guarded, and when I recognize that I'm unguarded, I feel an urgency to protect myself. If I'm not overtly aware at every moment, I could make a mistake. The problem is, being overtly aware at every moment would likely cause more mistakes. If I believe being aware is the answer, then I will inevitably be cyclically self-aware and self-critical, and never be enough because I don't allow myself to simply be. When I do allow myself to be, I am happiest and the connection with those around me is strongest. I drink so much alcohol because it takes so much to break down the walls of self-awareness and self-critique. This is an overcorrection. This has led me to make some of my greatest mistakes. People then get a different idea about me. People think of me in ways I never would think of myself. The shame and regret I feel reinforce my wall of self-awareness. Of course, without these mistakes, I would almost never have realized all of this. What frustrates me most is the lack of communication about all of this. I have no idea what people think of me, and they rarely tell me. I've come to accept this. It doesn't make me happy but other people refusing to talk about themselves is commonplace. People get uncomfortable, and I do too, but only when I have to confront a new idea. I don't believe every word people say about me but it gives me something to contrast my current self-conceptions with. Sometimes it feels like I'm begging for this but I don't know how to really ask for it. It feels narcissistic to ask people to tell me about myself. I'm not necessarily asking for compliments, either. We can all tell when someone offers hollow compliments. This isn't always bad, sometimes we just don't have the right words so we have to rely on a cliche. I fall victim to this almost every time I try to compliment someone. Sometimes my compliments are taken negatively, which always surprises me. What I could do with a detailed list of what each person in my life really thinks of me could be incredible. Few things really stick with me, but when I'm offered a true opinion it really strikes me as respect. I would like to be respected enough for people to offer their true thoughts about me. Otherwise, I'm left to guess. People make remarks about me that I don't understand, or behave toward me in a way that seems off, and I'm left to guess what this means. Sometimes it really does piss me off. It feels as though we should be past the point of being too nervous, worried, or scared to share our honest thoughts and opinions about one another. Is this what life is going to be? It may be harder for people to share these with me because I'm seen as an introverted, anxious fellow. At least, that's what I think I'm seen as. I have no fucking clue, truly, but that's my best guess. I don't want to be spared any opinion, and if I have to throw myself at everyone to get some goddamn honesty and direct communication, then that's what I'll do. If I have to give it to receive it, then fuck it let's do it. Maybe if I push enough buttons someone will actually say what's on their mind. I won't judge you if you're being honest, but I will absolutely shame you for being too scared to be honest with me. That is, of course, if your attitude claims otherwise.
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