Self-Awareness

     I decided a long time ago that self-awareness was the most important character trait. It has dictated so many of my thoughts and perceptions throughout the years. Most importantly, it dictated how I view myself. I thought that if I was self-aware enough, I could analyze and solve my problems through logic. For me, this is always how it's been. When you analyze yourself, you see yourself through your own biases and opinions. When you decide that analyzing yourself for the betterment of other people is the way to live your life, you become your life. In this way, your mind fills with thoughts of yourself. Your mind becomes centered around you. In a way, this is like dividing zero by zero. Your mind can not live in a bubble, it exists within your head but perceives all that's around it. To focus so much on yourself is to ignore others. In a way, the importance I put on self-awareness is a paradox. Once I start pondering how one can be self-aware solely in my mind, without discussing it with other people, the truth becomes void. Anything you believe in could be true. This disconnects you from reality and society as a whole. You forget the reason you want to change in the first place, to be better for other people. I have lived in shame and regret and self-pity for so many years, all that time I could've spent helping people. Instead, I became the one who needed help. It is true, you can not save the world until you save yourself, and once you do, you won't want to. It's difficult to live for yourself but not by yourself. That's why partnership and family are so important, they give you people that you know will be there for you. I've been judging myself and the people around me for so long, it's time I understand how my actions can improve your situation. This may not seem like much to you, but at times it feels as though I'm seeing the cracks in the cocoon. It's a shame I'm too insecure to accept that they're real. I keep encountering setbacks due to my own mistakes. It's all a learning process, true, but I should be beyond the mistakes I keep making. Maybe in the realization that I'm not, based on the obvious truth that I keep doing them, I can finally understand how to improve. Much of what I'm typing feels obvious, and maybe it is, but it's evident that I need to understand a few things about life by experiencing them. I might be a bit behind there but I'm still young. As long as I am alive, there is hope.