An Anxiety Relapse - 11/22/2022

     I'm fucking angry. I'm pissed off. I haven't felt like this in so long. I'm on the fucking verge of tears and I don't know why. I felt separated tonight. From life. I felt disconnected in a way I haven't in a long time. I was done. I felt done. I knew it wasn't over. I knew I would relapse. Anxiety, insecurity, anger, and fear all come back in a wave of emotion and thought that my mind struggles to cope with. I feel paralyzed. My muscles are so tense. What happened? I'm struggling to catch my breath. This feels like a panic attack. Not quite as strong. Almost there. I feel like a bum. I feel hopeless. There's nobody I can turn to. Only myself. What can I say to myself to make myself feel better? It's only an experience. Your thoughts aren't true. Your thoughts are stemming from a state of anxiety which is now at a nearly uncontrollable point. There's nothing I can do about it right now. I can only sleep. Wake up and hope to feel better. Repeat. No, not hope. You will feel better. You've been through this so many times, you know what comes. With great highs, come great lows. Life is a cycle. It may take some time. You may have to take the backseat for a bit. That's okay, you will come back. Not only will you come back, but you will also learn from this. This only strengthens the beliefs you already hold. Continued use of marijuana and alcohol, while pleasant at first, will lead to a mental decline. This only makes sense. If a substance negatively affects the brain then that substance, when used often, will affect the brain's ability to cope with the negative effects. This is an aspect of dependence. The question I have is why does it seemingly affect me more than others? Well, maybe it doesn't. Maybe that's my current limited perception. People other than me have panic attacks over smaller things than what caused mine. What did cause mine? Do I have the strength to talk about it? The love I extend feels betrayed. I feel betrayed. Of course, I knew this would happen. Improper communication always leads to miscommunication. I have not been properly communicating with myself or others. My ability to do this was impeded. I knew this would happen too. Alcohol and marijuana limit the brain's ability to express itself to others and to itself. My own emotions seemed to be against me. They weren't. They were misguided. I did not have the wherewithal to guide them back to reality. This is okay. I can not depend on sharing this with others as an act of strength. It is an act of strength to push internal boundaries. With the thought of others reading this, my ability to push myself is weakened because even though I've worked on this so much, I still crave acceptance. I desire to be loved. I take offense when I feel the love I am deserved is not given to me. I can not feel this way. That is not the point of love. Is love even what I'm speaking of? I just want to rest. What is the point of all of this? How can other people not express their emotions on these topics? If I didn't talk about this stuff, I may be suicidal. How do other people cope? You're all a mystery to me. I'm sharing this, though. It's funny because I've realized something lately. I'm not sensitive. I feel sensitive right now, but I often feel very comfortable with who I am. I feel comfortable that I can have a discussion or argument while remaining level-headed. That's why I say I sabotage myself. I can't remain level-headed if I do not let myself remain level-headed. I allow myself to have thoughts that stem from shame and anxiety in the hopes of controlling shame and anxiety. It doesn't work this way. It's why I get trapped. All I see is shame and anxiety and my beliefs and virtues and rest upon the credibility of these. I don't see it as shame and anxiety at the moment. I see it as a mental block and refusal to do what I know I can do. I don't accept that I am simply not capable. It's easy for me to have thoughts like this. I have spent so much of my life automatically choosing shame and anxiety, not realizing what it was or what it did to me. I enter a state in which I revert to these reasonings. I forgot who I was. I'm proud of who I am. I have a long way to go but I know that if I care about myself I can get there. I need to love myself. People are stuck on traditional norms. I'm sorry for them. It's why they hate themselves. It's why they choose hate over love. It's why they'll close their eyes and die regretfully. It's time I take a step back and reevaluate. All love.