Confused

     I'm at a crossroads. My emotions are hard for me to distinguish from my thoughts and my thoughts come and go before I can register their existence. I'm frustrated with myself. The cycle of misery continues. Luckily, I'm beginning to be able to catch myself when I recognize myself making mistakes. I know that continued marijuana and alcohol use make my life a living hell. My emotions are blunted and my thoughts have no direction. Right now, those are all I have. I don't consider myself special in any regard other than, maybe, I'm more introspective than the average person and I can use that to my benefit and the benefit of others. My philosophies of life likely wouldn't stand against any professional criticism. I have a blend of philosophy and spirituality that use to view the world through a magical lens. Is the world amazing? In the past, I've made the decision to stick to my guns and let the world pass me by with contentment. I will be hated and shamed, I will be despised and seen as evil, but I will also be loved and admired. You see me with whatever lens you've established, that lens being relatively arbitrary. Compliments and insults should roll off me like an ice cube off a roof because it isn't my celebration or my problem that you have strong emotions. On the other hand, seeing an individual with high regard through my own lens of beauty and strength is something I celebrate. Isn't this just as arbitrary? I've decided this because optimism and seeing the best in people just feel good. It feels right. Does it feel right or does it make me happy? Something should be scrutinized if it makes someone happy. Am I ignorant of the emotions of others when I let their opinions fall to little importance? It makes me feel strong. This must be ego, right? I have to do things for the right reason. Simply put, I don't know what that reason is. What is the "right reason" to do something? The common good? What about subjectivity? Every situation is different, right? There are similarities, though. I feel no smarter than I was ten years ago, only with more words and concepts in my brain to support my childish love and intent. Is this a problem? Friedrich Nietzsche believed we go through three transformations in life. The first is from sheep to camel. The second is from camel to lion. The third, and the last, is from lion to child. Returning to a childlike state is a notion that pops up in many philosophies, religions, and spiritualities. To return to a place of innocence and curiosity. Is it good to feel like a child? Only if you recognize the child in others. That still doesn't reach the core of the issue. I find myself getting stuck on many issues and feeling conflicted. This conflict can burn inside of me until I'm out of gas and I decide that I simply don't know. This feels like a failure. I feel like a failure. I lose my way. Even when I'm happy and feel headstrong, my behavior does not completely align with my beliefs. I allow myself to make mistakes. They aren't mistakes. They are intentional actions in pursuance of desire. I desire. Like opinions, desire should roll off of me because it is arbitrary. It doesn't matter. It feels like it matters. It feels important. I use loopholes and mental gymnastics to get me to a point where I am satisfied regardless of my actions. Shame can consume me. As long as I can remember, I would carry shame everywhere I go and I would use it at the drop of a hat. It was a defense mechanism. Life without shame is fun but shame is important. It keeps us from fucking up twice. The more I put myself into the world the more I find ideas that confuse me. They don't align with my initial thoughts and I'm not quick enough to internalize them properly. Anyway, I want this blog to be the good with the bad, so here we are. I'm entirely confused about life and I'm questioning myself constantly. I just want to lie down and let it go but I have to keep improving.