Ego and Being Funny

    This blog seems to be a good mediator. Sometimes my brain and emotion come to a standstill. To write them here, unencumbered by doubt, strengthens my character. That depends on me writing what I actually feel. I may dodge certain subjects for my own sake, but I am determined to be fully and completely honest here. In fact, honesty is one of my most prized virtues. I'm noticing something about myself. I am not drained by other people, I am drained by ego. Throughout the years, I believe I've come to a pretty good understanding of ego and how it surfaces. Not necessarily the why but I recognize when it appears. I see a change in behavior or tone, a change in how one talks. I see someone who is closed off to those who do not assimilate to the foundation of their ego. We are people pleasers. A lot of ego is a tradeoff, we agree to be friends on the condition that we become a part of each other's positive foundation. This is why people who are direct and honest are disliked by many but also revered by many. It's an incredible ability to have direct honesty toward another's ego. This probably means they're directly honest to their own ego; because most people's egos manifest in a wish to be someone they are not, they are directly lying to themselves. Someone who is honest with themselves is a threat to certain people because that person has true power. Egos manipulate and create realities that make sense only to the mind that produces them. These people are not necessarily a threat but they certainly will be perceived as one. This type of person is similar to those with an oversaturated ego and primed ignorance perfectly suited to believe someone like Donald Trump is anything more than a rich kid with too much life experience. I don't wish Donald Trump death but so many people believing he could be president shows how restricted a large portion of the population's critical thinking skills are.

    I want to take a step back here. I'm coming off as abrasive. At least, I believe so. Not necessarily because I discounted Donald Trump's life but because of how brash I was in doing so. The way I'm typing, the confidence with which it comes off feels elitist. I don't really know how to look at this objectively because I drank, smoked, and am quite tired. My perception here is definitely distorted and I'm sure of this so I'm probably overcompensating by speaking too formally. I'm really falling in love with comedy. The problem with it, though, is that as I begin to realize my ability to make people laugh, with it comes a flush of ego. I hate it. It takes me out of the moment. I can be quick to forget that I'm not funny, what I'm referring to is funny. What I'm talking about is funny. The most I can do is add inflection and timing. This shouldn't be taken for granted but what is funny does not depend on the person who thought of it. We can all think of the same idea but one mind can just so happen to be more attuned to finding it and expressing it comfortably. This feels like a way of calling myself funny and smart. I outsmarted my criticism of myself. The criticism: I think I'm funny. The belief: I am not funny, the moment is. The way I said it: The way a Youtuber describes their job to their grandparents. Overly complex in an attempt to hide their great shame. I have been trusting myself more. The paradox is, when I trust myself more, I look for confirmation. I focus on getting a laugh or a good reaction. The more I do this, the more nitpicky I become, and the more I do it FOR confirmation. This is a snowball effect of increased anxiety, therefore mental cloudiness. With this, I will, of course, be less funny. So thinking I'm funny eventually makes me less funny. Isn't that a bit of cruel irony? It's pretty funny. Anyway, why does this all start? Fear pushes it forward. Perhaps a bit of imposter syndrome. I begin to live in the moment, and I trust myself. Life goes well, and I acknowledge that life is going well. Uncommon experiences that I have due to my uncommon behavior plant seeds of doubt. Something as small as only one person laughing at my joke could even do it. One seed to replant the fear. It grows and grows. The more I doubt myself, the more I doubt myself. I doubt doubting myself and I doubt not ever doubting myself. "How could I have been so ignorant?" I have a short memory, though. I wasn't being ignorant, I was forgiving. I was calm and moving forward, living in the moment. I was loving myself, allowing myself to be free of the shame that has shackled my life and the lives of so many others. It is not bad to be shameful when you ought to feel shame. If I do not cause harm, if I am good, just, and fair, I ought not to feel shame. If I live with honesty and compassion, kindness and care, I ought not to feel shame. Living with what other people allow me to be will never work. I feel a physical inability to fall in line. I must be my own person if I am going to find the answers I'm dearly searching for. I'm sure I'll follow this to my death. I'll be searching for answers until the day I'm buried. Which, hopefully, will be later rather than sooner. Anything could happen, my friends. This is why I say "I love you" now rather than wait until the day I'll regret not. We have no time to spare, yet we're doing all we can. Surviving and growing. Maybe the human mind has become so advanced we need philosophies, religion, and spirituality for us to develop a purpose. The feelings we're instilled by these are what keep us moving forward. Philosophy could be religion for people who believe they're intellectual. Does philosophy even matter? If not, it will go down in the records as a waste of time, the way many today see religion. Of course, philosophy has likely only formed due to religion, which is why they're nearly intrinsically related. What's the next step, I wonder? It seems we're satisfying ourselves with more and more grounded concepts but many philosophers are still very fantastical when they write. Many speak metaphorically but it seems if we can only speak metaphorically about these topics then we can't truly put reality into words. Maybe metaphors are the only way we can understand them. Maybe metaphors are just an inch closer to the truth. Maybe we're slowly arguing to find the truth but an argument between billions of people, well who knows how long that will take. Clearly, much of the world is not satisfied with what is deemed "truth".

    I'm going to stop myself right here because I was experiencing ego inflation. The ego is tricky. Honestly, I am not completely positive that what I wrote made much sense, I can only say it made sense while I was writing it. To give an example of how my ego inflated, I began to think about how what I'm writing could be a step forward in terms of philosophy. Of course, I'm discounting philosophy so I'm not sure what means but I suppose to move forward we have to break down the previous concept. Regardless, I am nearly positive I'm not the first person to write about this. My ignorance allows my ego to inflate because the effort it would take to counter it at the moment would be too great. Is this truly a revolutionary idea? How likely is that? I think a few Google searches would prove me right. Does that matter, though? If this isn't a step forward for philosophy, maybe it is a step forward for me. I believe my thought process on this should more align with "I wonder if this is a revolutionary idea? Eh, maybe it is, maybe it isn't. Not really my place to say anyway." Something like that. I'm having trouble pulling words and sentences out of my head and I'm definitely overcompensating by writing too formally. I'm going to sleep, hopefully well, and I'll likely update within the near future when I have fresh eyes and a fresher mind.