Acceptance

Acceptance

I don't accept many people. A condition for

my acceptance of others is their acceptance of me. This is difficult for me to look at

Considering I would tell people I am accepting of others. I can internally reject something

While outwardly accepting it. Why does this gap exist? Perhaps a better question, what makes Me reject Someone? Something as superficial as someone's appearance can spark immediate rejection, I Justify this by saying I Would accept said person if they were

to have a conversation with me. This shows that my willingness to accept someone is lessened if I don't like the

person's appearance. I don't like their appearance based on the emotions that arise within me when I see

them. I don't like the emotions that arise within me.

What emotions? The

primary one is embarrassment.

Or perhaps shame based on fear of embarrassment

Or shame that I feel embarrassed. Shame that I could be embarrassing if I make a mistake.

Shame of my initial emotion. Shame that I look at someone and feel disgust.

or fear or Weakness.

That I feel disgust based on prejudices I have

against "ugly people". Does acceptance start with accepting yourself of the people around you? I feel naive if my default is acceptance because of Scary possibilities. If I choose to accept as a default until I have sufficient evidence to reject I am forced to rely on my rationality. My lack of rational skill and my insecurity around it cloud my judgment. It's easier and more Comfortable to have people struggle to be fully accepted by you. To Keep distance is to hold onto Safety and comfortability poorly and to reach for love and connection rarely. How do I accept

myself? Maybe, in a similar vein, I keep distance from myself because it's easier to avoid responsibility.

It's easier to ignore the overwhelming emotions that come with being alive. Why, though, when I focus on myself does this not become clear to me? The amount of energy it takes to suppress emotion must be noticeable. It can't be easy and it would explain why life feels so hard. Still, it

doesn't feel quite right. Which emotions am I

rejecting? I definitely have a lot of built up

Sexual energy.

Interestingly enough, I feel

Like I'm growing around my sexual mind. My

blossomed young

and became

Sexual mind which blossomed

Confused and scared about what I should feel

Sexual feelings toward. Never feeling on the same

Page with any body else even those I wished to

have sex with. My lack of exposure and understanding

of how to handle these feelings made me scared

and shameful. In order to engage with the

feeling, I turn off my brain. Alcohol helps

turn

"melt the brain. I don't know how to initiate.

Sex. "Initiate. I don't know how to express Sexual

interest to a girl. I don't know if I Hadt to meet

girl and have sex with her in the same night.

the feeling So

manage

a

I

that I can have sex in a proper manner.

It feels like all or

nothing. Do or die.

The stakes feel high when, in reality, it's pleasure

or no pleasure. You could even say success of failure.

Sexual energy can drive curiosity. It can drive

interest in a girl simply for who she is. The

Cacophony of emotion

of emotion I feel blinds me from