I wonder - 12/7/2022 4:11 PM

I wonder when I'll get over myself.

I wonder when I'll be happy.

I wonder when I'll succeed. 

I wonder if I'm able.

I wonder when I'll gain control of my mind. 

I wonder if the thoughts will get to me.

I wonder how long I can take it.

I wonder about death.

I confuse my feelings for death.

I wonder about my pain.

I wonder about my fears.

I wonder about people.

I wonder how I'm changing.

I'm scared of change.

I wonder how I could hurt somebody.

I wonder if they deserve it.

I wonder if I can know.

I just don't know.

I wonder about my brain.

I wonder if I should take better care of it.

I wonder if it's too late.

I wonder if I should give up.

I wonder about my body.

I wonder if I should take better care of it.

I wonder if it's too late.

I wonder if I should give up.

I wonder about life.

I wonder if I should take better care of it.

I wonder if it's too late.

I wonder if I should give up.

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    The faces who read this will not be surprised. They've seen this before. Maybe from me. Maybe from someone else. They have the answers. Everybody has the answers except for you. I create my own suffering and try to manifest power through it. All I do is wonder. I do nothing but wonder. What if? Can I make it there? Can I do what I need to do? Write like a human. I feel angry about my past. I've lost myself in a bottomless sea. I know what I need to do but I just can't. I can but I don't. There's something here. It's not clear. I need to allow my mind to understand and not forget. I want to forget. If I forget about my problems, they won't exist. No, I need to hold onto my problems. If I know what to expect I won't be disappointed when it arrives. If I allow myself to be ignorant I'll always be disappointed. I lose touch with myself when I pretend I'm not who I am. Brandon. That word has never felt right. Brandon. Self-obsessed. Depressed. Introspective. Philosophical. Lazy. Shy. Insecure. Patient. Open-minded. Dishonest. Ignorant. Unsure. Late. Virgin. Scared. Nervous. Curious. Interested. Skinny. Blond. Pale. Sub-par athlete. Funny. Desperate. Worried. Confident. Loving. Shameful. All things I would prefer over Brandon. What is Brandon? My name doesn't define me, who I am defines my name. I don't like my name because I don't like who I am. I don't like who I am because I don't do what I want to do. I don't do what I want to do because I'm weak-minded. Convictions come and go. I lose touch with my presence. I lose touch with what I need. I want to define who I am but it's easier to create my own definitions and place them onto myself. Sometimes it's more simple than you think.