Where Am I?

I'm lost within myself
I'm lost and can hardly see
It's a fog so thick that it's been forgotten 
The fog consumes 
Who am I?
The question stays the same but the answer changes
I don't have faith in myself
It isn't who I am
It's a part of the answer to that question because who I am has to do with why I feel or don't feel
Who I am is caused by who is around me
Nothing is hitting me, nothing is impacting me the way it has in the past.
I write and write and try so hard to write from my soul but it gets lost in translation
Life is everything 
How do I feel about life?
I am not satisfied
I'm not happy with life
I make grand statements and fail to stick by them 
I fail, fail, and fail.
I love to spread peace and love but holding that as a virtue is hard
To believe in it's importance
And to fail in doing it
And to fail in understanding how to do it
Can I do it?
I would be having a panic attack right now if I wasn't on antidepressants 
It works but I almost don't care enough that I feel so empty
I really am using drugs to cope with this feeling of emptiness
I still experience symptoms of anxiety
It's different
It's a moment in which I'm overwhelmed because I'm struggling to think situations through
It doesn't keep me up at night
I genuinely don't care about the mistakes that me feel dumb, I care about the mistakes that make me feel incapable of connecting with another person
I change based on how well I'm connecting with another person 
Failed connections happen all the time
I believe honesty to be the catalyst for a successful connection
If I fail to connect, I shame myself for not being honest and happy enough
Lately, I've been feeling lonely but haven't felt the motivation to try and connect with people on a deep level
I lack that feeling, desire it, but I struggle to understand it
I get stuck when I think of how to start and maintain a connection
This is something I feel I need to think about 
I still struggle to trust the connections I've made and have had for large portions of my life
I feel like I lack honesty 
I try to be honest about as much as I can but it feels like my body forbids me from speaking on certain topics
I freeze
Anxiety
What certain topics?
And why?
This level of complexity and internal strife is something I don't see spoken about very often
Many people learn about this stuff, albeit probably indirectly, from their parents
I didn't have that
Boohoo
I'm complaining about this wonderful life I've been given
I can't minimize my self-expression
I have extreme trust issues
Part of the problem is that I fail to trust myself
Am I capable?
That question doesn't even reach the surface of my mind before I've decided the answer and justified it
It is a battle to fight against these immediate thought processes 
Mindfulness helps
Mindfulness is easier with a clear and sober mind
More mental instability makes it more difficult
A thought itself is not special 
What a thought represents is
Everybody thinks, few people think with genuine intent
What do I need to say?
How can I express myself any more than I have?
I love people but their unpredictability keeps me on edge
People have multiple personalities 
I do
One in which I have established virtues and one in which those virtues failed me and I have to constantly keep myself open to everything in order to build something new
Is it universal or does it serve me in the moment?
I experience happiness? Or fulfilled desire? Is happiness simply fulfilled desire? 
It's hard to accept that
Happiness feels like a balance between achieved desire and a lack of hardship
The greatest desire is to rid ourselves of hardships
Hardship is necessary in order to understand how to be content without it and grateful for good luck
It feels as though the hardships outweigh the positives
Who's to say what role emotion plays in the universe?
Who's to say what role rational thinking plays in the universe?
What reason would there be to think rationally if it wasn't to cope with emotion?
Fear, anxiety, insecurity are hardwired into our brains.
We don't need to be scared anymore.
Everybody is so scared all the time
Fear is normalized in society
In fact, to not feel fear is odd
We fear things that can't hurt us
We hurt ourselves prematurely and obsessively
We allow these emotions to drive us around because it's easier than taking responsibility 
To look around and realize your fear is unfounded is a daunting task
That realization needs to be cared for, shine a spotlight on it
It needs to have enough room to grow
Let go of the mindset you've had all your life
It's time to move on
It's time to better understand yourself 
Sometimes I feel like I write from a stitch in my soul
The ideas I love are there but the pain I hold onto darkens the positivity 
To allow my positivity to grow, I must also allow my negativity to grow
They are not evil. They are a part of the whole
Let them flow naturally and you'll understand what you are
I hope
How to?
Let go
Let the fuck go of all the fuckshit you're holding onto

All of the bullshit that piles into your brain and all the shame, pain, fear it fills you with, recognize what you're sacrificing by letting that happen
You aren't letting yourself love, you aren't even letting yourself be
Stop torturing yourself
But keep the mind's eye open
How do you continue living?
You just do.
I'm running away from myself and creating an increasingly maddening headspace 
I have no reason to stop
I can always be doing something else
This is exactly why I should stop
I'm scared of facing my problems and, out of pure laziness, I decide it's easier to distract myself from them
That doesn't work 
That's the problem
I don't deal with my problems
I go crazy because I'm out of touch with reality
I go so far as to ignore my ignorance
But I can't, so what do I do?
Use the external to quiet the internal
Instead of using the internal to deal with the external
I'm in chains of my own creation, bound by an unrealistic imagination
Chains psychically given to me through observation 
As a child, we begin to learn how to cope
Unless we are taught the correct way, we will learn through observation 
Depending on who we have around us, this could be positive or negative
For most people it's probably negative
For me it is
I heard that ADHD is a coping mechanism built with avoidance
Avoidance at a young age can lead to the inability to deal with problems directly when older
Of course, this can change
This takes effort
What is my baseline of potential? 
What am I able to achieve? 











Comments

Popular Posts