An Anxiety Relapse - 1/24/2023

    Sometimes I feel like I have nothing to say but I still need to speak. This is uncommon for me. It's a different territory than becoming used to being the quiet one. I start to use my words against me. Peace and quiet allow me to speak with clarity and potency. Constant noise surrounds me with inauthenticity. I speak without thinking, anxiety is back. My indecision creates anxiety in this constant field. Eventually, I wonder, why am I not doing this? I have made the decision but I'm waiting for nothing in particular. The indecision to act. I make the choice to speak but speaking is easy. Speaking truthfully is hard. Speaking with care and thought and initiative. I realize I make the wrong choice. What am I anxious about? Choosing poorly? It is what it is. For now, at least. That's the problem, though. If I choose to let go of my moral beliefs for the sake of experiencing life in a certain way, I will influence life in a way I'd rather not. If I follow my moral code strictly, I limit my chances to make mistakes and learn from them. What if I learn the wrong lesson? What if I believe something is a mistake but it isn't? What if I believe something is not a mistake but it is? The easy answer is that nobody can possibly answer these questions. We are all living life in the way that we decide for the reasons we choose. If I feel anxiety when approaching a situation, maybe I should consider the situation instead of reconsidering my beliefs and feeling doubt and shame. Sometimes I believe I live life outside of certain aspects of life until I realize it too late. How many learning experiences can I not learn from? The mistakes twist and eventually fade from my mind. I have a loose concept of what I experienced, mostly lost in the Matrix of my mind. The memory becomes a version of reality that is far removed from the original experience but I suppose this happens to us all. All of this and part of me feels like I'm bullshitting. Why do I feel this way? 

I'm a piece of shit. I fucking hate life and all of the bullshit that I experience. All of the fucking ridiculous emotions I feel based on ridiculous thoughts and this feedback loop that quells rarely and allows me to be happy for a bit before it wraps me around its finger yet again. Blame it on myself, blame it on society, blame it on the people around me. Blame it on family and social media. So many things to blame it on. 

The words ring in my head, they almost hurt. "I have never been happier". I said this. I said it a few days ago. What did I mean by this? I was unbothered and calm. When I said this, I felt a shift inside of me. I felt regret. I regretted admitting that I was happy. This must mean I feel shame for being happy which must mean I can only live in anything but. When I know how to feel happy, I avoid it because of the fear of losing it. When my smile is automatic, I try to push the smile down. I look away. I avoid the life I'm living. I've been happy, though. Truly, I have been experiencing happiness. Maybe this happiness became a comfort and maybe this comfort allowed me to ignore certain aspects of reality that were uncomfortable. When I am unhappy, I am uncomfortable with what is within. I thought for a while there I had reached a point of bliss. I had my reservations about it and maybe that's why it began to crumble. I became suspicious of my abilities. I became suspicious of the people around me. I became anxious about everything around me again. How can I shift from one end of the spectrum to the other so quickly? It is truly jarring. The physical symptoms of anxiety I thought I had managed so well returned, I would say with a vengeance but almost like an old friend. My clouded mind feels only the feeling. My body follows suit and they encourage each other. Do something. I forget that I have choices. Make the choice to do something. I can not dismiss these feelings with my mind alone. My mind and body work in unison and I have control over one, if not the other. I have the choice to make a choice, regardless of what others think and do. This is power. This is strength.