Stuck In My Ways

Stuck in my ways, I know it really sucks

I had no choice when getting on the life bus

I look around at all these faceless strangers

Concerned about potential danger

Help me, help me, help me I scream

Everyone must think it's a senseless dream

Love me, love me, love me I yearn

But not a face claiming to love has shown a look of concern

Am I devoid of that which runs the world?

I don't know why I type like this

I don't know why I think like this

I don't know why I feel like this

I don't know why you feel that way about me

Maybe I'm lost or maybe I never found ground

Floating above what I want to do and say, not running with it

Falling below willfully, and digging down voraciously

Now stuck across from myself, looking in every direction failing to see me

I don't even know what I look like

I don't know what I feel like, taste like, smell like, sound like

I was hoping you could tell me

Or at least give me some direction

Everything I thought I've found I've lost

Back to square one

Every morning

Back to square one

Every moment

Back to square one

Always on square one, with dwindling belief in square two

Seeing and feeling the finish line with no clear path ahead of me

I accept that it isn't easy

I don't know if it's possible

Stuck in my ways, it really fucking sucks

I see development in you and complacency and stillness in me

I twist it to be a virtue

Conflating complacency and mindfulness

Confusing

Each emotion inside of me

Each thought

Confuses me

I can not give you an explanation as to why and I will not apologize for who I am

This I know

If I start, I can only grow

This I know

I try to stay out of the way but there must be a place or a space I can occupy without feeling punished

Punished for existing

I can no longer be

Punished for existing

A statement I'll make and feel but tomorrow I will wake up and I won't feel the same

Same statement, different feeling

Same man, different conviction

This is why I apologize

Rightfully so

Although I see so few of those who do the same, do the same and apologize

But maybe I haven't and don't see

Even though it's there

Maybe that's why I don't understand

Because I don't see what's there

And you don't see what's here

And I say you but who?

Truly, you

Every pair of eyes who reads this is meant to have, it is for you

But for different eyes there are different meanings

Some eyes I picture in order to invoke these words

Meaning these words are born from my perception of you

Meaning I care profoundly

That's always what I've wanted you to take away

When I speak to you on any deeper level than how's the weather

That's me caring

I can never not care

But am I caring about you?

The question I have to confront

But I can't confront until I better understand

How can I better understand?

Can I understand?

This is how I get lost

I want someone to see this and catch me

I try to keep it from you

I can't trust you

For that, I'm sorry

But do you see?

It's not about you or me

It's a deficiency

It's an uncontrollable miscalculation

An unhealthy "help me" dilemma

Stuck in my ways, it hurts so fucking much