Depersonalization and Ego

     I had a thought that kind of shocked me tonight. It felt like a revelation. I realized that many people are not concerned with being "good" people. Most people are so caught up in other activities of life that they don't take a step back and question themselves, especially in their interactions with other people. 

    I depersonalize because I am afraid of personalizing. I am so anxious about being myself because I feel like it will reveal the truth about me, that I'm a "dumb-fuck". I only feel like a "dumb-fuck" because I have an unbalanced amount of depersonalized time. I don't have enough practice being a person. Maybe this sounds odd but I depersonalize because I don't feel like I'm good enough as a person, which has led me down a rabbit hole of "how to be a good person" thoughts and I obsess over it. Maybe I should've said "many people don't obsess over being a good person" or "many people don't fear being inadequate as much as I do". How lucky I am, though. I became obsessed with being a GOOD person. I think many dangerous people depersonalize intensely and go down a rabbit hole of desire to appease them, which can lead them to many different mental disorders. I think I've begun to find solid ground and personhood because of the work I've put into being a good person, and the thoughts I've directed myself towards. It came at a cost but I feel like this is my purpose. I believe it gave me gifts and the right mindset moving forward. I toy with the thought of all of this being bullshit. The problem is, though, what do I do then? If I accept that I can't trust my mind then I am once again depersonalizing. I'm not saying I am a good person and I'm not saying I'm entirely happy with where I'm at. This is one of those special occasions where I see the light at the end of the tunnel. I'm accepting myself, albeit anxiously. I think it's hard for me to accept that this is coming from my mind because I can't see exactly where it's coming from. I worry that I'm delusional or ego-driven or just plain wrong. Maybe I'm all of them. I don't think so, though. Maybe I'm a bit ego-driven, but is that a bad thing? I've been led to believe the ego is entirely bad and that it is good to kill it. This can't be true, without ego what are we? We're meaningless, connectionless thoughts. The only positive is that this can help us rationalize in a more objective way. But we can't be truly objective because if we were, why would we care about what we're being objective about? Total objectivity is inhuman and total subjectivity is ignorant. So maybe I detach from the situation and setting to let my ego be more rational but we can not detach from our ego and we should not attempt to try it. This is a topic I haven't spent a lot of time on and I am probably making some major assumptions and failing to see possibilities but as my mind, soul, and body connect, this, to me, is what feels true. 

    Anyway, I have so much to learn about all things life and I am excited to be able to work harder to understand. May my ego get the better of me so I can see both sides. Maybe I'll overcorrect someday. If so, I believe I have the knowledge and ability to help myself and learn from it.