something is wrong with me

 I have a mind that I don't understand. It's constantly battling between different emotions, at one point I believe I should feel both pride and shame for the same action. I'm confused and lost. I freeze on ideas and feel ashamed that I don't understand them, and I've been stuck on the idea of my existence for a long time. Why do I exist? What is my purpose? My life may be defined by the work I put into fixing the errors of my mind or by my lack of focus and persistence. I ask unanswerable questions and I force myself to live with them. Living this way is torture. I'm never sure of myself and, when I am, I find reasons not to be. I look into my concept of mindfulness and I find it lackluster. I'm worried that I see the potential of the mind but I can't live up to it. I'm not even entirely sure if I write honestly, or if I find words and create meaning based on them. Writing isn't what it used to be. Sure, my fingers glide across the keyboard but the emotion that used to emerge from within me has dwindled. Where has it gone, I wonder. The only way to describe the feeling I have right now is anguish. I stare mindlessly and my eyes move, unconsciously. I have no control over it. Clearly, I have a complicated mind but why? I keep going back to that question. I wonder if something happened when I was young. Maybe I banged my head a little too hard and it affected my brain's ability to process information. Maybe I have a psychological issue that influences my perceptions. Maybe I've spent years undoing the good practices that gave me a healthy mind at a young age. But how different am I? I'm sorry that I'm not explaining myself. I know I could be more clear. The point of this, though, is to speak with me. I know what I'm talking about. It may become an issue if I forget and I come back to this and realize I have no idea what the fuck I'm talking about but, right now, I feel as though I'm speaking from the emotion I'm feeling. My goal is to better understand this feeling and the cause(s) of it. Partially because I feel like this feeling is a culmination of all of the struggles and pains that I feel throughout the day. The hundreds of thoughts I have about being insignificant and unworthy are all packed into this feeling. I feel unworthy of speaking. Can you fucking imagine that? Millions of years of evolution, creating and developing languages for effective communication, only for me to believe that I am unworthy of it. I don't feel smart enough to use it properly. I feel unworthy of being a human being. I don't feel like a human being. I feel completely disconnected from the people and world around me. I don't really feel distinct emotions. I feel one thing, this depression and disconnectedness, or a profound love for all of existence. I think it's easier to justify depression and disconnectedness. Where do I go with this? I have to write this for my world to survive. I have to write this to remain alive. I don't even know how to let the emotion out. I try to play into it or I try to let it be. It goes away as I am aware of it. I can't not be aware of it. I'm not going anywhere with this. Goodbye for now.