2am

Sometimes I watch myself slip up and it doesn't take much for me to give up. I'm starting to think confidence doesn't exist and it's kind of a trick. Getting things done doesn't require a high self-esteem. If it needs to be done then it must be. What are you connected to? The outcome or the distractions that surround you? Getting lost in your particular brand of reality while watching you leave your responsibilities at the altar of perceived impossibility. "I can not" is just another way of saying "I do not want to". What's holding you back is this complex within you. Emotional immaturity and lack of understanding. Spending all of your time ignoring yourself, lack of confidence is an inevitable byproduct. Though the reality you've carved may exist forever, it's possible to create an otherworldly tether. Putting myself down with these words when they should lift me up. It comes with the knowledge that the road ahead is tough. Take it day by day, I suppose. Unfortunately, this is the life that I chose. Fortunately, this is the life that I chose. Sometimes I think everybody or nobody knows. That's the paranoia in the world I proposed. Sometimes I think it'll never get better. That my life should end for the better. Better than wasting my time by sharing the pain on my mind. Let myself go for you. I'm sorry for the pain I cause you. I'm sorry that I hate saying sorry. I know that you know we're all human. My mistakes probably come from my inability to recognize my own strength, maybe. Or at least the strength you see in me. Though I see none, only the need to perceive things indifferently. That was me but now I need to feel my own feelings. Objectivity only caused problems for me. Coming off as pretentious or like a dick, maybe. I was just trying to be special in a world where I feel no love. I wanted to show you the power I did see in myself, I guess. But I wanted you to love it. I just wanted you to love me. So I acted irrationally. My brain got clogged and I tried to drink the thoughts out of me. It only enhanced my insecurity, which enhanced my insecurity. Why isn't it working for me when it works for you? If it doesn't work for you then why are you pretending? I'll show you you don't have to pretend. I'll go through hell so I can stand by your side. Maybe you'll stay by my side. Maybe you'll cling to my side. Maybe you'll never leave my side. Maybe I'm lazy but you don't know the decisions I've made. You may call them crazy but I chose to allow myself to go through hell so I could build my own strength. I underestimated it. Maybe went for the wrong reasons. I got stuck. A part of me always lived there, same goes for you. What would happen to if you let it consume you? I didn't think I had any other choice, I guess. My emotional immaturity had me questioning my best. Now my best is a blurry mess and I confess the stress of the lessons I learned were a great burden. I don't think in linear terms. I jump forward, oh so far forward. How many times have I imagined a wedding with a girl I never knew? How many time have I imagined a fulfilling friendship with a guy I just met? The words that come out of your mouth define you and I thought I knew you all too well. Then I realized I couldn't get inside your head and all of my notions fell. I refuse to believe I know you better than you do. If I want to know something, I'll ask. It only makes sense. I expect the same from you. Don't assume to know me, even based on what I've told you, we change all the time. We all change our minds. So we take it slowly, acknowledging only the moment. What do you feel, why do you think you feel it? Good, now let's move on. Emotions stack or attach or something. All I know is that they can get damn confusing. Especially if you're like me and you force them within, and the people around you seem to only pretend. They're just like me, though, I know. They judge me, though? Because I couldn't take it anymore? Because I was done keeping everything inside? Because I was done letting people try to mess up my life? I do that enough myself. I've made mistakes in wealth. But mistakes are on the road map too. Which is why I will always forgive you. I will harbor resentment if you don't admit that it all came from within, for both me and you. What do you... think? What do you feel about what you think? What do you think about what you feel? I'm ready for that. You want me to defend myself and provide evidence, what? Like this is a courtroom and you and I aren't friends, or even just people? Why does there only have to be one winner? Why can't we both win? I accept the loss, I always have, so that we can move forward. I'll say my peace but I'll appease and apologize for any wrongdoing. It's almost as if you overcomplicate it. Sometimes I think I don't see how it's really complicated. Sometimes I don't recognize some factors but that doesn't make me heartless. Maybe just a bit thoughtless.