spiraling, my self-absorbed

Narcissistic tendencies,
trembling in ecstasy when she's next to me
Testing me to shift my selfish mentality.
To pursue dreams woven with a thread of love and fealty.
I return to me at the weight of this task.
I rhetorically beg to remove my burning mask.
I put it on you to carry my burdens.
To make me your church,
pain what you worship,
as it's the engine of my brain to evade purpose.
I swear that I’m cursed to bear the weight of all hearses.
It’s my job to transcend the superstitions they trust.
I decided young; I was the one
to pursue the path that was meant for none.

Sometimes I believe that I’m immune to punity,
but I shivered with guilt when your heart asked,
“What did you do to me?”
I guess truth is aligned with a balance of unity.
I’m tardy with regards to apologies
and processing regrets wholly true and felt.
I could count the days since I’ve seen you last,
ask myself why I still haven’t remedied my past.
The answer that makes me an elusive dancer
is fearing action that leads me to wait for answer.
I worry my words will further intoxicate the air;
polluting the sky to reflect my mind.
Gloomy and cold with few stars in sight,
and like everything I write
it comes away feeling trite.

I know Billy Joel’s Vienna waits for every birthright.
I hold high my head as I write you into the night.
I lose the meaning along with my sight.
I hope  music speaks for me and relays my heart,
but meaningful creation begins with a spark.
It begins with the will to look down the hill;
to take a step into the darkest depths.
If I fail, return to stillness.
Continue when I’ve regathered my strength to build.
I can’t be afraid knowing my passion can be killed.

Otherwise, I’ll realize my demise at the end of a stagnant, miserable life.
Possible purpose betrayed by my ever-closing eyes.
My cold, thinning breath showing foggy visions of my descent into death.
I’ll fight with the might of a child to live to gain what I could have today.
I’ll remember writing this.
The time I wasted when I could have told the people close to me what they meant to me.
Growing old with them
with pleasant memories that return in my nightly escape.
In a moment of peace, I wouldn’t awake from my sleep
and it’s fine.
Loved ones would walk with their heads high having once been mine.
The fantasy fades with the last hint of my shine.

I can’t think when I juggle these things.
I come away afraid that I’ll never change.