Dear Old Friends

Heartrace elevation. Wake up in the morning and I feel pain. Stained mental, memory feels strained. Throughout the day, I feel distant from who I used to be. Who is I? Who am I to be? Through whose eyes am I complete? I remember their house vividly, I'll never be back there, it's so hard to think about. My pain's spout stains this digital page. I've decided many times that I'm to blame, yet I still go back and say I hate the names that they've been given. I've forgotten what it's like to be with them, almost. Is that a good thing? If I'm never with them again, should I leave their hearts behind? I'm confined by the lack of answers. I'm a dancer who prances around them. I'm confounded, I remember being comfortable at times. I miss them. I miss you. You haven't texted me. You haven't said happy birthday. And it's my fault. How long do I need? Because I want you to come back. I want to turn back time. I miss all of you. So much. I miss feeling somewhat accepted. My friends. Friends, is what I called you, but I know we weren't very close. I mean, I was never who I needed to be. I could text you right now with so many excuses and things that may change your frame of mind. But I shouldn't. I thought I was good. I thought I was over you. But I want you to read this. I want you to think about me. The pain in my chest won't go away. I'm sorry. I know this won't change your mind, and it won't change until I do. Until I prove I've become someone new. And I don't think I can do that. Yet. Maybe never.