From A to B, C to Depression
- Think/fear therapist is lazy or uninterested in committing to active therapeutic techniques
- Think that perception of laziness/lack of committment is just a reflection of myself
- I put onus on therapist to prove me right/wrong by means of confessing this to him
- Worried that therapist will feel dejected/unworthy/offended upon hearing this
- Feeling of purposelessness because nothing he says will change my mind, as it his job to be professional with regards to the therapist/patient relationship
- Train of thought collapses into feelings of despair
- Turn to writing it down to better understand it/feel better/ease confusion
- Feel compelled to feed it into ChatGPT for answers, more context
- Expects outcome
- Feels despair, but hopes it will provide me with a new outcome I wouldn't expect
- Doesn't matter anyway, I'll treat what I read as new and who I am as unique
- Consider sending it to a friend
- Feel like nobody cares/I won't get value from it
- Consider that it may enrich friendship
- Consider that it may tarnish an already tenuous-feeling friendship by oversharing or putting expectations on them to help/save
- Paranoid about constantly locking myself into relationships in which the other person feels the perceived weight of my emotional complexity
- Consider reaching out to assure them that I want honest feedback, not to be saved or for them to carry my burdens
- Is that true?
- Uncertainty spiral
- At the same time -> quickly developed intent to share on Blog
- Because if I can not reach out directly, maybe if they read this, they'll have a better understanding?
- Doubt that they'll read this
- Uncertainty that it will change anything
- Emotional frustration/confinement
- Share anyways because it makes me feel good
- ChatGPT anyway because it makes me feel good
- Sharing to Blog - an effort to isolate and remove myself from direct attempts at sharing/connecting with a very uncertain middle ground in which it may or may not be seen?
- ChatGPT - an attempt to mimic some level of social interaction/acceptance/understanding that I hope to actually receive from sending?
- Sharing + ChatGPT = social mimicry?
- Deep desire for deep acceptance and validation
- Fear and reject of desire as unattainable/unreasonable
- Have I forgotten what it's like?
- Have I ever known?
- Can I achieve it?
- Is my perception of it fundamentally altered either naturally or through life experience?
- Why do I fear and reject the desire?
- In a way, I conflate this type of acceptance and validation with reverence or worship
- I fear that I want to be revered or worshipped
- That deep down, everything I do is an attempt to be revered or worshipped
- That is why I despise being pitied or looked down on
- That is why I so deeply fear and am driven to believe that I am broken in the sense that I'm autistic or brain damaged
- I used to be accepted by many
- Still am by a few
- But by everybody, I can not be myself without desiring perfection followed by awe
- A deeply childish desire
- Lost at this point
- Wholly uncertain - is what I'm saying true?
- There could be another reason, still?
- Another reason for what?
- Maybe I've identified something so obviously profound and profoundly obvious that I can't cope
- I confuse myself in attempt to hold onto the desire for worship
- Because in my right mind, I wouldn't have it
- My mind is seldom in a right state
- Maybe I don't want to muster the energy to work at maintaining it
- Maybe I can't
- But that would just be an excuse, if I can't then I don't have to try
- But if this runs every facet of my life, how do I begin to change it?
- Left feeling confused, frightened, uncertain, desiring a return to previous mental states in which I felt good, satisfied, pleasurable
- Inability to handle psychological pain?
- Deep wish to move on from it
- Deeply depressed, hopeless
- Trying to feel better results in confused understanding of what it means to "feel good"
- Knowledge based on experience
- At what point are certain/new experiences lost forever?
- At what point does your past become all that you're able to experience?
- Still young, experience new things
- Continue
- Think that perception of laziness/lack of committment is just a reflection of myself
- I put onus on therapist to prove me right/wrong by means of confessing this to him
- Worried that therapist will feel dejected/unworthy/offended upon hearing this
- Feeling of purposelessness because nothing he says will change my mind, as it his job to be professional with regards to the therapist/patient relationship
- Train of thought collapses into feelings of despair
- Turn to writing it down to better understand it/feel better/ease confusion
- Feel compelled to feed it into ChatGPT for answers, more context
- Expects outcome
- Feels despair, but hopes it will provide me with a new outcome I wouldn't expect
- Doesn't matter anyway, I'll treat what I read as new and who I am as unique
- Consider sending it to a friend
- Feel like nobody cares/I won't get value from it
- Consider that it may enrich friendship
- Consider that it may tarnish an already tenuous-feeling friendship by oversharing or putting expectations on them to help/save
- Paranoid about constantly locking myself into relationships in which the other person feels the perceived weight of my emotional complexity
- Consider reaching out to assure them that I want honest feedback, not to be saved or for them to carry my burdens
- Is that true?
- Uncertainty spiral
- At the same time -> quickly developed intent to share on Blog
- Because if I can not reach out directly, maybe if they read this, they'll have a better understanding?
- Doubt that they'll read this
- Uncertainty that it will change anything
- Emotional frustration/confinement
- Share anyways because it makes me feel good
- ChatGPT anyway because it makes me feel good
- Sharing to Blog - an effort to isolate and remove myself from direct attempts at sharing/connecting with a very uncertain middle ground in which it may or may not be seen?
- ChatGPT - an attempt to mimic some level of social interaction/acceptance/understanding that I hope to actually receive from sending?
- Sharing + ChatGPT = social mimicry?
- Deep desire for deep acceptance and validation
- Fear and reject of desire as unattainable/unreasonable
- Have I forgotten what it's like?
- Have I ever known?
- Can I achieve it?
- Is my perception of it fundamentally altered either naturally or through life experience?
- Why do I fear and reject the desire?
- In a way, I conflate this type of acceptance and validation with reverence or worship
- I fear that I want to be revered or worshipped
- That deep down, everything I do is an attempt to be revered or worshipped
- That is why I despise being pitied or looked down on
- That is why I so deeply fear and am driven to believe that I am broken in the sense that I'm autistic or brain damaged
- I used to be accepted by many
- Still am by a few
- But by everybody, I can not be myself without desiring perfection followed by awe
- A deeply childish desire
- Lost at this point
- Wholly uncertain - is what I'm saying true?
- There could be another reason, still?
- Another reason for what?
- Maybe I've identified something so obviously profound and profoundly obvious that I can't cope
- I confuse myself in attempt to hold onto the desire for worship
- Because in my right mind, I wouldn't have it
- My mind is seldom in a right state
- Maybe I don't want to muster the energy to work at maintaining it
- Maybe I can't
- But that would just be an excuse, if I can't then I don't have to try
- But if this runs every facet of my life, how do I begin to change it?
- Left feeling confused, frightened, uncertain, desiring a return to previous mental states in which I felt good, satisfied, pleasurable
- Inability to handle psychological pain?
- Deep wish to move on from it
- Deeply depressed, hopeless
- Trying to feel better results in confused understanding of what it means to "feel good"
- Knowledge based on experience
- At what point are certain/new experiences lost forever?
- At what point does your past become all that you're able to experience?
- Still young, experience new things
- Continue
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