the hole

Lost everything in what felt like a minute

The hole I was covering was exposed 

I wanted to feel it

Just to fill it

As if feeling it would make the emptiness go away 

As if that couldn't become another mask 

I've lived with the hole for years now

The memory of every love I've ever known 

Was it ever even real

or was it just another mask?

Every word that I said, every smile

A way for me to dig into denial

And my biggest fear was really

that who I am is really me.

The one that you see.

If I can make a wager,

my life seeming empty.

Different from the rest.

Uncertain motivations.

Unreliable.

A little strange. 

But if you said that to me

I wouldn't argue.

I thought that was the difference.

I was aware

And I could explain

the truth or clever lies,

I never know the difference

even in my mind.

But you might buy it

and that was enough 

Sometimes it still is,

but I think I'm learning.

The only truth we know

is the one that we feel.

I never learned emotion,

I only learned appeal. 

In some ways I'm lucky. 

I learned a few good lessons.

The ones that led me here

instead of learning by confession.

Though I did a few,

so repentance was my truth,

and I'll live forever knowing

what I did to you. 

But I can see enough

to know when not to hurt,

but I ask for some patience,

if I make a mistake.

I never want to be

the cause of your discomfort.

If I am, please let me know.

I'm still learning.