an honest exploration

I haven't cried in a while. I'm forgetting to respect my emotions by burying my head in vague, poetic language. In songs and validation. I'm trying to say something, all the time. Something that can't be said. Something that, if you love me, you will find nuggets of in my writing. If you put in the effort. Sometimes I'm a bit more direct. When I tell you that I've had real thoughts of suicide. When I tell you that I don't have a solid foundation for my perception. Equally, when I say that I want everything life has to offer. When I try to convince you and myself that I am comfortable and happy as I am. If I feign confidence, you'll admire me. If I admit vulnerabilities, you'll admire me. Does admiration really have the power to satisfy this feeling? I keep having the strangest feeling, with flashes of a memory. What have I forgotten? I see the wall, the color reminds me of piss. The smell of beer and cigarettes. A bed, what had I written? Or was it something I'd read? Did someone walk in, sit down and talk to me? These memories of a very specific place mixed with a very specific feeling. It's so distinct, I've felt it lately. I don't know why. Was I powerless? Crying that I was sorry? Sorry for what? I wasn't even that young. I realized something, I think. I wrote it in my head, I think. The first time I felt complete and utter self-hatred. The first time I had nowhere to go. I wanted to lose that knowledge. I hit my head so hard. My mission was to damage my brain so that I couldn't think about everything. To forget my life up until that point. To forget life. To die without the consequences. I remember, vaguely. Who was I before this? Who am I after?

I don't know what this. But I've found myself feeling like a child again. Ideally, this is my older self reaching into the past, meeting me at a point that I never developed, and searching for the answers I couldn't find then. It may be fiction. But this feeling is real. These memories that flash through my head are real. The vivid smell, the taste in my mouth. The exploration is honest. There's more to it, somewhere. Hiding. What are you?