relearn

I need to relearn to keep a watchful and compassionate eye on myself. My self-destructive tendencies pair well with loneliness. My feet are beneath the ground. It's funny to know my patterns so well, but to ignore them for the sake of lost hope. Cognitive dissonance. I keep thinking I have this innate ability to protect myself. That it takes an effortless care. It's more about knowing my emotions than managing them. As I've told myself before, self-awareness is not enough. It's hardly reliable. I can't be all-knowing. And, yes, it feels like that contrasts with your effortless grace. But I don't really know what to say, maybe I was just born this way. I strive for every word to be poignant and unique. That's an insecurity. It makes me insecure to display potential weakness. I fear manipulation when vulnerable. You could even use that, if you dared. I guess that's why they say vulnerability is strength. But is it, really, if I let myself forget that people can have bad intentions? If this can only be easy, then I've lied to myself. Then I must be aware that everybody could reject or use me. I have to hope that they don't. But that fear is a poison if it's woven into my eyes. I've experienced it before, many times. It's all just a feeling, I have to remember. Even if true, I haven't yet been harmed. I can watch with compassion and choose when to cut loose, without resentment. If you take a step closer, I stand courageous in stone. Ask for advice from a friend who can show me that I am still as I am, I haven't been lost. Giving in has a temporary cost. One that I'm willing to pay in uncertainty, but if you let ambiguity linger, I have no reason to pay. Every relationship is right in give and take. A need for control is insecurity, too. Don't forget it. That's a fundamental truth.