love, attraction, and validation: an embarrassing level of honesty

 I forget the feeling of loneliness until it returns. I forget the feeling of strength until I embrace it. What I may feel is a mystery most of the time. It's different with Her. I know how I'll feel. I'm not sure how She has this power over me. I look at the men who I know have experienced similar things. I've always thought I was better, stronger, smarter than them. I would not be so easily manipulated. I would allow myself to feel a level admiration from any distance. Feeling admiration for someone is hard when you think you should probably hate them. Oh. Well, that's obvious, isn't it? Commit to admiration. That seems to be the answer. But if I only feel admiration for Her, do I reveal myself as desperate? Does She control my will? I control that I admire because I do not falter to hatred or fear of any kind. I may seem of a simple mind, self-hatred. She may be manipulating me for favors, fear. Admiration and care are what they are.

    This is a common weakness in men. Weakness might not be the right word. It's viewed as weakness. It might be a strength. The ability to be deeply passionate. The desire to be deeply passionate. "You can not love any one person, until you learn to love everyone." This was something I recognized a few months ago. I learned to admire everybody, to accept and embrace the feelings I received from them. I had never been happier. What happened along the way that changed my demeanor? I received affection and became intoxicated. It is a drug. Maybe something we have to learn is how to recognize honest affection. Many people express it solely for the validation. "Love is a passionate affirmation of an ‘object’; it is not an ‘affect’ but an active striving and inter relatedness, the aim of which is the happiness, growth, and freedom of its object" - Erich Fromm.

    When people flirt or express affection solely for the reciprocation that it brings, it creates a cycle of doubt, shame, and longing. Doubt about the feelings she has, doubt about the feelings I have. Shame about being in this situation, longing for something deeper. Just enough of a tether left to maintain hope that it will strengthen. The blame placed on the individual I have these feelings for. The shame knowing these feelings are mine and mine alone to manage. Wondering how to cut the tether without hurting her. Feeling weak knowing it might not hurt her at all. Knowing that her emotions are not my burden. Knowing I can help her because I see this clearly. Fearing she plays with that desire to fix. My desire for true emotional connection is confused, tangled, and so is hers. Only one of us wants to untangle it, as far as I know. 

    When you love, love honestly. There is nobody to blame in this situation. It is sometimes true that the attachment styles of different individuals clash and connect in ways that do more harm than good. Sometimes this makes them more exciting, more enticing. Always asking "what if?" Even if there's a sense that one individual is intentionally perpetuating this dynamic, they are just a child. They're trapped and they don't know what they really want. We've all been there. I am there. I am trying to detach, to rise above my tether and let go of that which causes me pain. So plainly put, it's easier to bear.