I long to make you laugh

 This cognitive distortion manipulates my intentions. I wish to be kind to you. I wish to be there for you. You know. Most of the time, especially when I write, it's funny, I let myself write without thought. I'm less conscious, it's ironic, I think of the people who write through God. They write thoughtlessly, too, moved by the spirit they believe in. I don't believe, so I wonder why I write what I think when I don't think the same way I live. I don't live the way I write, or live the way I believe. The way I walk is like a dream that becomes faint memory, I never try, I only try not to be what I think is wrong. What I think is wrong is what I think is weak, it translates through my timid speech and manifests in my inactivity. But the way I feel, and the way I want to be the one who cares for you, is the way I felt long before. I realize that it's not who's in front of me, it's what's inside of me, and how do I decide that what I am is not quite right? I am rude, my mother says. I long to love, I say right here. I wish to be respected in my love. If my love is weak, if my love is wrong, then I can not say those words, truly. "I love you." I can not lie. But that does not change my desire to care and be cared for. That does not change the newfound comfort, the stability. I just fail to find a way to reconcile love with my self-belief. And my self-belief is represented in my lack of speech. I long to make you laugh. I long to make you free.