future

I feel my self-aggrandizing thoughts slip away with the future I laid out for myself. They're as invisible as the knowledge I don't have. I feel my self-deprecating thoughts fight to stay alive. They don't serve my purpose, anymore. That's not to say I have one. I don't. The burden I bore was silly. It was an addictive cycle of pleasure and pain. I am not the tortured poet philosopher who would be a psychologist doing research that would take us in the direction of solving the hard problem of consciousness. I am not the silently superior humble man of ambition who would "settle" for being a counselor. It doesn't feel quite right to say I don't know who I am. I'm someone who wants to love and be loved. To talk about emotions and what they are and where they can stem from. A person who wants to be aware of how they can be a better listener, and to put those steps into action. I don't need to practice radical honesty to be a good man. I don't need to be a great man or a perfect man. I just need to be enough for a few people. I just need to be comfort, strength, and love for a few people. Someone who knows they might fail and will be honest about it. Someone who asks for grace in advance and promises to learn from their failures. Someone who communicates their failures and successes with honesty to those who deserve to hear it. Not to everybody. I don't have the capacity to ask for understanding from the world. I don't have the strength to demand it.