I retreated from love

I thought the brunt of my pain had come from my years in college. I get it now, though. They never understood me and they couldn't trust me. And I do understand why. I had so much inside that I had locked away and attempted to hide. I tried to portray myself as a good person, but that doesn't mean I wasn't. Regardless, I understand why they were unsure, why they might have felt uncertain about my motivations. But it depends who I talked to, truly. I was mean to some people, and I regret that now. I thought, at the time, I was being strong and self-righteous. God, was I wrong. But I give myself grace. I didn't have the emotional bandwidth. I was lost in time. I had been fragmented throughout the years, so that everything on my mind had been forgotten. That's why I could never speak my mind. That's why I never knew who I was. And oh my god, the pain not confronting it caused. I've started to feel real comfort again. I'm terrified of losing it. I get, now, what I was searching for with my friends that I could never find. Why they were never enough for me. There was no deep love and comfort. I'm not sure there could've been, which helps me understand the people who were around me, too. Beautiful grace. Forgiveness before it's asked for. What poets discuss and what most of us lack. We can only share all of our thoughts with the ones we lie with. Know that these don't represent me, let me feel safe enough not to need them. However, I'm over-describing. Or I've reached the end of my current understanding. and I don't want to over-extend. Just lie with me. It's cruel that the word "lie" has a dual meaning antithetical to the comfort I'm describing. To lie is it to lose this comfort, I think. Love, I think it is. To retreat into oneself is to be cut off from love. Unfortunately, there are so many reasons it's beneficial to retreat. When you don't find love, only pain. We can learn to love. In the process of learning to love, we learn to be loved. Love being the constant actions of honesty and compassion. I did not know how, and when people tried to teach me, I retreated. This is a learned trauma-response. One that I apologize for, with honesty and self-compassion. I'm still learning how to be honest about and few things. "How could I ever talk to you about this?"