I wrote this as a reminder

Life is worse when I hone in on myself. I don't mean self-reflection, and I certainly don't mean mindfulness. I mean, when all that's on my mind is what is on my mind. Or often, what isn't on my mind is all that's on my mind. It's a trap I keep falling into, and I don't notice I'm there until the breath leaves my lungs when I try to speak. I hyper-focus on my mind, where it is, and where I want it to be. I forget about my body, and I forget about my needs. I walk in a stupor, sleep-deprived, dehydrated, and hungry. I think I grew used to this as a kid. The pain and dazed consciousness act as ways to excuse myself from society. But I am not happy this way. My mind does not function well, and I feel shame because I have control over the causes. With the introduction of shame compounded by physical pain, my self-esteem becomes low enough for me to believe that I am unable to care for myself, fundamentally. I consider my default state. I mean, the state that I've wished to return to all my life. The one that makes me exhausted to think of all the life that I have to live. The one where I consider it may be satisfying to stop completely. To stop trying. To stop trying before I even get started. But when I am mindful, when I do self-reflect I think back on the day. What did I eat, how much water have I had, how much sleep did I get? These fundamental necessities that sometimes slip away from me. Sometimes it seems like a choice because the answer is so obvious. But shame is a useless emotion in this case. A better one is compassion. I made a few mistakes, staying up late, skipping breakfast, not drinking enough water. Perhaps also a sense of social loneliness and isolation. That is why I am in the state I am. It is not due to a fundamental brokenness within me. It is only due to a lack of self-compassion. Also at times, a lack of necessity. If I am going through the motions, I don't need to be as well-oiled as I could be. So I need to be more active and engaged, if for no other reason than to give me an excuse to care about myself. To care about myself enough to have the strength to love and care for my friends, family, and girlfriend. I can not use them or any cheap satisfaction to fill the void that a few necessities would. I wrote this as a reminder.