facade?

This is a fun facade for ignoring reality. I idolize and turn an ideal the artists who never compromise their abstraction. That is what mattered most to me. That is what matters most to me, here and now. But how is it not selfish? I guess I want the family I have to know I think of them. Especially now, when I make the choice to write at their expense. I am not ignorant but turbulent. It feels immature when I consider it from your perspective. But that gives me an anxiety which drives me to compromise both reality and art, but it's still somehow satisfying. Of course, when I read it back, it may mean nothing serious. Except that I am seriously considering my responsibility to others, but as I write now, I am both focusing on that responsibility and ignoring it by not taking action. In fact, this current act of writing is contrary to me taking a meaningful role. Awareness without action, write it on my gravestone. That melodrama and the exploration of this feeling are pointless other than that they satisfy me, right now. Me, right now. I am being selfish. That confession doesn't absolve me because I'm confessing to what I currently am doing. Simultaneously a confession, compassion, disregard, and selfishness. I suppose I'm complacent with my poor action. Asking why, while valuable, would only further continue this action. However, if I am always being selfish, if I am always acting lazily or poorly, when do I get the chance to explore that within myself? Or would my life become endless, effortful attempts to achieve the status of "not being selfish" or "not ignorant"? Only action, no time for thought or, alternatively, all thought, no energy for action. Or effortless action. Action that complies with my values, supposing I can become in a place where I know what they are, and I do not forget them. If I do forget them, how would I know? If I forget them, were they valuable in my life to begin with? I idealize the monks who are mindful of their values and actions. When they misalign, as mine are right now. Instead of this, they orient themselves to action in mindful meditation. So why am I drawn to this? This writing? I don't know, but it's making me sick. I'll let it go for now.