help me understand

I don't remember the ways I used to cope. It makes me feel like I have something wrong with me. An inability to consolidate and utilize knowledge, especially complex knowledge, with reliability and consistency. It leaves me and I wake up new but the same. Tabula rasa, unchanging. It eats at me. I am in a negative state. I feel fear, sadness, anger, and a sense of hopelessness in my ability to change. Or hopelessness in my ability to accept myself. I hate everything I write, every word I might say, and every emotion. It all materializes as a flaw. It's getting harder to say I don't want to be this way. I give myself hope and it withers away, gradually. I am not the man I want to be. Help me understand.