I do feel a bit stuck

Bliss conflated with anxiety. I relax and let my mind wander. It comes up empty. Yours seems to be churning effortlessly. I presume it's due to my lack of energy. It feels like it's because there's a lacking foundation. However, retrospectively, it seems that my foundation is constantly attempting awareness. It's funny, I behave in a certain way, and I attempt to become aware of my behavior in order to gain control. This awareness is motivated by social consequences. Assume I never think of things one might consider important. If I am allowed to exist in an automatic state, would I become a neglectful, rude person? So it's true, I assume my default state to be morally wrong, and I need to be aware and conscious of my thoughts and actions in order to deliberately consider and choose between right and wrong thought and behavior. 

This makes me think of manipulation. Many people unintentionally manipulate by beginning a conversation in a certain way and slowly offloading their baggage and trauma onto the recipient. This invites genuine sympathy and pity for someone who doesn't necessarily deserve it because of the origin of the conversation but because of where they led the conversation. I believe I used to do this. It's easy, automatic. You finally have a real, serious conversation with somebody, and it feels like an opportunity to vent about real struggles. However, what this has the potential to do is divert away from the conversation of wrongdoing and responsibility. I am concerned that if I allow myself to be in a default state, I will behave this way. 

This goes beyond just unintentional manipulation though. I also believe I've had the habit of joking at other people's expense, and teaming up with people against others. This creates a feeling of belonging and a sense of joy in me and perhaps my "teammate". However, if the joke is laced with some sort of honesty or any form of deprecation, it could be genuinely damaging to the victim. This is also a habit I think I've engaged in and would like not to. I noticed myself do this recently, and I also noticed my "teammate" perhaps intentionally shift the joking to praise of the victim. For a moment, I felt alienated. This is something I believe I've done for a long time, and I thought I was past it. But perhaps, sometimes, it's such an easy way to gain social currency that I cling to it. 

This also has to do with self-deprecation. People like people who can laugh at themselves. However, one can do this at the expense of their dignity and not realize it. If someone makes a joke and laughs at my expense, and I determine it's more important to laugh along rather than defend my dignity, then at some level, I have lost a little bit of respect for myself. I don't remember which philosopher said this, but a quote that's always stuck with me is, "Once you laugh at something once, you never look at it the same way again." It's the same way Hitler and the Nazis might have weaponized comedy against the Jewish people. Comedy can be a weapon. 

In a more direct way, I can be defensive and aggressive without realizing it. For whatever reason, I was in a terrible mood the other day. I went to the gym with my girlfriend, and something in me switched. I was bitter, tired, and unfocused. My thoughts became angry and my behavior distant. My girlfriend, both tired and very stressed about her own life, was perhaps not behaving in the more fun, agreeable way that I'd come to expect. Understandably so. However, my behavior and my thoughts created a greater bridge between us. I was not speaking and when she asked multiple times if I was okay, I lied and told her yes because it felt like I couldn't articulate what was going on. I did not understand what was going on. But I felt myself compelled to say mean things, things that do not align with my values and that genuinely scared me. I did not, instead I tried to understand the root of the problem.

For a a little bit, I was concerned that this was who I was and everything else was a lie. The kindness, the openness, the intellectual curiosity. Then I considered external factors. I realized I am perhaps addicted to caffeine and dependent on stimulants and I had not had any caffeine that day. Whether or not this is true, having that type of understanding helped me feel relief and allowed me to articulate myself better to my girlfriend. I apologized for being distant and she understood. But I also saw that route of complete self-doubt. That route terrified me. I do feel stuck.