often vague

 I realize the ways I would contort to comply with what didn't meet my eye. I see now what I then let slip by. Where I'm at is where I shudder, and where I let the blinds fall. I suppose it seems that I use these words at my beck and call. The truth is that it takes too much, so I use these words to stall. To truly say something to these feelings that the world provides, I'd need another thousand years before I'd ever decide on a letter. So I feel what I feel and I wonder who I'm writing to. Who I choose depends on the effort that I put into. It's easy when I see me in a favorable way. Often vague, indirect, following the feeling, yet never speaking of it. Saying what I need to say to let myself get through the day. Chaotic, righteous anger, sympathy, pity, and fear. They live today as they lived before, am I so sure that I am any different? This represents my memory and the fickle, fluid knowledge of events. Yesterday is the same way, my mind is diffuse, I apologize. To you, my girl, my lady, my friend. What can I say that I know to be true? I'm surprised by your admiration, the way it continues, the way I can't fight it. I want to solve all of our few problems here and now. Instead, let's take our time and do it together. You read me, and so I write. I find you beside me, nightly, I often find it frightening, I hope you don't take offense. I'm not used to this closeness nor this level of devotion, you've made it easy for me. I expect it to be hard, the same way I look at life. I won't guess why for the sake of my heart and awareness of my mind's bias. The world looks difficult on approach. What if I can make a difference? What if I have an inflated self-image? What if I stumble and fall? Do I have the motivation see where I tripped and move past it? Do I have the ability for what I desire to build and influence? You may reassure me, you may help me look at life realistically. My mind is stuck on these things. I'll put these aside for you, when you need. Maybe I'll find that life is easier when I put them away. Maybe I'll find that caring for you will help me step.