sleepy musings

     Losing my breath, second guessing is my natural step. It seems odd to be confidently speaking on topics that seem so far from any honest resolution. The insurmountable, not knowing the right path or the right choice when it should be easy to be kind and fair. I stare blankly at confusion while I try to move my tongue. The right word in the right sentence spoken with the right tone. I still don't know what love feels like, but I think I know what it is. Ignorance is a lack of experience, experience breeds understanding. I'm afraid I'll never understand because I can never quite experience. Sometimes I feel like I'm walking in absurdity, but I think at times it occurs to me that I'm just in my head. Whether I can get out, I don't know. If this experience is possible and I'm living it, but it offers nothing of value, then why? I do find peace and relief briefly before a resurgence of lost dreams and hazy thoughts. I search for love in family and find distance and pain. I let love linger without words and it seems so close. Always possible. Always trying, never forcing. My friends, I'd like to be strong and curious together. Never losing sight of what we're capable of. What may be holding us back. I wish I could do more. Truthfully, I don't know what to do. So I try. I crave a reaction, feel what I feel when I think of you reading this. Then free me from the shackles of self-consciousness by giving me honesty. Green eyes, my stability and comfort. I've never felt like this, yet nothing's changed. Stand by me. I can only hope I can scrounge enough strength and courage to be honest and kind as you deserve. What's within the walls inside pails in comparison to my devotion to you. I'll make true those words, but you make it easy. Silence. Passion. Trying. I step a little easier. I breathe a little lighter. I feel a bit more whole. That's all I can ever ask for. The struggles pick and eat, but they do not consume. I've never let them, nor have you. They will never. I'd like to say the same for others. I hope it's true. But when it's not, I think of you.