standoffish

I look back on all of the people that I've failed. The anxiety that's cultivated my bed of nails. To most everybody I've known, I've shown myself to be standoffish. 

When I was younger, I wanted friends to change who I was inside. I always judged from afar, never learning to step in their shoes. The energy it takes deflates me. I relied on a few friends, could never manage too many. When I tried, I felt dizzy and lost for words. I feel that way today. Everyday. I'm tired of being distant from everybody. The kind words fly past me unless I want something from you. Maybe that's a human trait, but it makes me feel guilty and ashamed. I'm honestly not sure what step to take. I'm struck through. The words that I write feel different than the words I speak. More tangible and alive compared to being embarrassed by stutter. Though here I communicate without embracing connection. No opportunity to misuse inflection. This confession doesn't repair my regret infection. It ends up feeling inadequate. Except, writing this was easy. The hardest thing to say is the truth. I hurt people. I did things on the borderline. I had intrusive thoughts I gave into without a second. Still I won't say it. I took steps to grow and I have. I feel those thoughts poke at the back of my mind and sometimes they come front and center. Now I know to let them flow and to be kind when I find trouble. It doesn't stop my body from trembling, but I live and that's enough for now.