innocence

I used to want to know the people from my past. To watch them grow and change, to make connections last. In fact, I'd think of them fondly, nostalgia embalmed me. In a false reality, we're closer than you thought of me. I vaguely remember being a kid with confidence wanting to make people laugh, crushing on the pretty girl in class. I wonder what life would be if those events transpired more smoothly, who would I be? I never thought I'd be in hiding, afraid somebody might find me and chastise me. I wish I didn't find guilt and shame in thinking of these people kindly. I wish I didn't pause when I catch myself smiling. Every time I see someone who reminds of those days, I pretend that I never got a glimpse of their face. When I was a child all the way to yesterday, I feel pain tripping on little mistakes. They cascade and erupt, and I think it all started when I got put down by my very first friend. Come with me, take a tour, in silence, it seems. The labels I can't see are the pressures we leave. The innocence we desire lies hidden out there, with a hug and a kiss from the truth of a dare. From the giggles of heartbreak and the hands that we hold, from the secrets we keep and the ones that are told. My friend, my friend, follow me there, to the world so apparent, to the question of where. I miss those days, I miss the look on my face when I smiled in the mirror with no hint of distaste. When I smiled at you and you laughed an embrace, and I couldn't muster the courage to give you chocolates in a heart-shaped box. I miss you, I miss you, the fear of rejection, before it was turned into a sign of defection. Maybe one day I'll find a way to say hi to them with a smile and wave. Maybe they'll remember me the way I love them, and the innocence erases the decades of sin.