it's been a while

It's been a while

What have you been up to? 

I wonder what you've been through

I think about what you're into these days

How you skillfully traverse the maze of life with a smile, I'll never know

Maybe my memory's steering me wrong

Maybe my thoughts are deluded, too

Don't write me back, it frightens me,

but I'll tell you a little about my recent history 

Well, sometimes I think that I haven't changed

That my mind is just as unchained as it ever was

The best evidence being how I struggle to speak in the presence of peaceful people

This bomb growing in my chest reminds me of you, unfortunately 

I did what I needed, I stayed on my own for a good 2 years

In therapy, I healed, and in the gym, I grew stronger

I made good habits I'd never touched before, you know

A couple of girls took an interest in me, but I wasn't ready 

In the meantime, I stayed at a job that I hated at the only place I'd ever been

I listened to new music that I thought taught me love and spirituality

I tried to mend broken relationships with my family

While trying to be moral and good, and trying not to punish myself 

While trying to expand my perspective and see different sides 

I started writing, and writing took me to a place that I'd never been

I shared with my friends what I wrote in the hopes I'd find something then 

The few friends leftover and the few that I grew to know 

I wrote about you over and over, you'd call me obsessed

I digress, I craved validation and found it in the soulless 

I feared for my life from those I called friends

One of which betrayed me in a way you might understand 

I tried to extend a hand as I felt better and worse than every man I could see

I felt shame and misery walking with me as I looked in the eyes of ones I once knew

I never spoke to them then, so why should I now?

They're evident of a past I feel divorced from

All of the names I once knew, do they know, too? 

I climb all the time, I guess it's a passion of mine

I have a meaningful new job, I suppose that's growth

I went through a conflict when I didn't know why

no one blinked an eye at this age gap relationship I'm in 

I never knew if I was doing something wrong, I obsessed over being the best guy I could be

I tried so hard to decide what was right and wrong

I find myself in the midst of this fight, losing sight of who I was at that time 

A sobering thought, without alcohol and drugs I can navigate this maze 

The way that I couldn't when you were the ones I needed to face 

But this feeling is way too familiar

And I've been thinking about you a lot

So I thought I'd write, and let you know some things

If you have words of wisdom, send them my way

Or just a reminder that everything will be okay

And that I'm not alone, and I'm not the same man I was then

Oh but who knows?