Distractions and Honesty: Being Myself

     Phones, television, news, gossip, small talk. What is the point? We go about our lives delving into activities that we care little about, or perhaps should care little about. Why do we do this? These distractions are in front of our faces all of the time, so much so that our attention is bought and sold. Companies thrive on distractions and tirelessly work to make their apps and websites the most distracting of all. We are aware of this. It is everywhere, and now it is common knowledge that we are being constantly analyzed and sent information in the hopes that we'll follow it to its source and purchase their irrelevant product. The question is, what do these distract us from? What are we trying so hard to ignore? 

    We all have responsibilities. Personally, I am terrible with them. I constantly fail to do my best when I know my best is warranted. I have no reason not to do my best, right? So why would I prefer to sit down and write about distractions when I should be getting ready for work. Why does this feel so good compared to the commitment that I am bound to? I chose to work. I am aware that I am beholden to certain tasks and qualities due to my job. I chose it and yet I reject it for a reason I don't understand. Part of me feels fear and anxiety but why? Fear of failure, perhaps? But if I do my best and fail, at least I did my best. But what does it mean if I am unable to perform well in this relatively menial job? What does this mean for my future? Of course, this should only be more incentive for me to try harder. To do my absolute best and prove to myself that I can go above and beyond. I only need to pass this threshold. I need to pass the line that keeps me from being my absolute best. That means putting it all on the line. Inviting opinions, perhaps negative. I think part of the reason it is hard for me to hear negative opinions of myself when I'm actually trying, is that I accept them more than I accept positive opinions. I have this distrustful mindset that dismisses compliments on the basis of they're just being nice. This brings up so many thoughts. Let's try to unpack them

    If someone is "just being nice" because society tells them it's what they should do, is that not them just being nice? Society does not tell them to do it, they are a part of society and therefore follow its code. It is no different than being rude because you are angry. It is what we do in society. Of course, when someone is mad, they may cover that up with a nice face and kind words. This is also a part of society, the golden rule. What makes them do this? I've always felt this intuitive ability to feel when a person is off-kilter. When their thoughts don't match their words, I've always felt it easy to see. The problem is, I always look too deeply. I don't accept that I don't know what they're thinking, but instead, I attempt to reach into their mind. Of course, this is impossible. When you try to reach into someone else's mind, all you will find is your own. You project your insecurities onto them. We all do this, I think, to different degrees. Someone gives you a nasty look at a grocery store, maybe they did find something about you unpleasant, or maybe they were zoned out and thinking about something else. It's an assumption based on a lack of communication. This is why I am an extreme advocate for direct and honest communication. Anything else is a breach of trust. The problem is, that some breaches of trust are accepted by society. Lying to someone and telling them they look nice when they don't. Of course, you can breach this particular rule but people, especially strangers, tend to dislike direct honesty. There must be a period leading up to this extreme clarity. Once you understand this clarity, it can change your life. Many people live in a fog of only doing and saying what they are allowed to do and say. This is exhausting but necessary in the professional world. I believe that the greatest teamwork comes from open lines of communication but with that must also come understanding and acceptance. 

    How do we come to understand and accept other people? How many mistakes, good jokes, pleasant conversations, or awkward situations does it take to build a strong enough rapport with somebody to truly accept them and feel accepted. There are so many different ways to interpret behavior, which is why communication is so important. I lived in a bubble for so many years, my own bubble. The "Brandon" world. When you become disconnected from society, something happens to you. You begin to lose the sense of what other people think and feel. Anything is possible in your own bubble. When you try to open up that bubble and let other people in, confusion is inevitable on both sides. You forget that people don't understand you the way that you do. The person you thought you were is not who you are. I lucked into some incredible friends in high school and have such a robust and pleasant friend group today. I am so grateful for what I have and I fear who I would be if I had nobody. Learning to understand the people around me has been a journey, one that I am still on, but I can say almost with certainty that the friends I have now could be the friends I have for the rest of my life. I have been through so much with these people, the deep conversations, the sad moments, telling people things I never thought I would tell anybody. Learning to let my guard down and be myself has been such an incredible and beautiful journey and I credit much of it to the people around me.

    Let's take a step back now and ask another question. What are distractions? Distractions tear focus away from what matters, yet we need them to maintain a stable mindset. To focus on important stuff, we must be able to take a step back and view life from another perspective. To remember that there is more to life than work and struggle. Does this even qualify as a distraction? I suppose a distraction that serves a purpose is no longer a distraction. Life is a mess and, yes, we will all die someday. Focusing on this truth does nothing for us. Focusing on what we love and appreciate, the entertainment that brings meaning to our moments of reflection is no more a distraction than spending time with the people you love. It is necessary to balance these distractions with the gruel of daily life in order to maintain a stable mindset. To lose that balance is to stray away from meaning. To focus fully on work and struggle is to forget why you focus on these things. In the same respect, to focus too much on entertainment is to lose its importance. This was basically a long-winded way of saying something that most people probably already know, but to start with questions and come away with answers is a beautiful transition and I'm glad to be able to share something I find glorious. The twists and turns of a mindset, all prompted by questions, lead to a greater understanding of life itself. 

    We must ask ourselves difficult questions. So far in my posts, I've posed questions ranging from the importance of distractions to suicide. At first glance, it may seem one is of much more importance or perhaps difficulty but what makes it so? A question is a question. What comes of the question comes of the question. The only significant roadblock I seem to understand is the unwillingness to accept answers I may not like. But answers are not good or bad, they simply are. They exist in a realm of objectivity, their importance relative to the culture but less to the individual. As individuals, we have the unique ability to interrogate ourselves. To understand, and perhaps change, the way we are. No matter who is reading this, you are a flawed being. This will always be the case because there is no such thing as perfection. In fact, I'd say perfection comes from imperfection, which is paradoxical but still perhaps rational nonetheless. If we are all flawed, we are all perfect because of our imperfections. However, this doesn't mean we should let them be. We should accept our flaws and determine what we can and can not change. What causes more harm than good? What can I control? Am I hurting the people around me? Am I willing to fragment the positive representation people have of me in order to be myself? Can I continue living without expressing myself to the fullest degree? Can I continue constantly limiting my full range of emotion for the sake of others? Am I really living my life to the fullest? Is any of this worth it?

Anyway, I'm glad I got this one out. It was a little messy but I'm still screwing around with the way I write, I think I approached this pretty comprehensively, but I might come back and do some edits. Right now, though, I gotta get inside I am late for work dammit. I will be talking about relationships soon, romantic and otherwise. This post gave me a lot of inspiration in that regard. I want to share some love with whoever may be reading this, and those who aren't as well. I really do have so much love for the people around me, my friends warm my heart and their laughs heal my soul. I wish I could capture the feeling I get when I'm laughing along with multiple people. It is true human connection.