Comfort and Self-Acceptance

    Right now, as I type this, I feel comfortable. Not necessarily happy, certainly not depressed, but comfortable in what should be uncomfortable. I did not leave the house today. I spent the majority of my time sitting in a chair playing a video game which is pointless in the sense that, in reality, there are no positive consequences that come from it. In fact, I believe it is an overall negative for my mental and physical health to spend this amount of time playing video games. In a funny way, living this way again has helped me find something I've been looking for, which is the sense of comfort I used to feel. Early in college, I realized I did not like the way I lived my life because it wasn't in partnership with reality. I was uncomfortable with reality, and I knew that this needed to change if I was going to experience any growth and positivity not only in myself but also in my relationships with others. My addiction to technology limited my mind and what I found to be important became distorted. Still, to this day, my mind is distorted due to technology. I've been wondering why this sense of comfort has found me again. Is my Lexapro finally kicking in full force, am I finally at a point where I can feel confident in myself? I think the simple truth is that there's a distinct lack of challenge and struggle in my life, at the moment. I am allowing myself to pursue immediate desires instead of pushing myself to do greater things. I'm consuming irrelevant information and creating fantasies around them. Who I believe I am changes constantly. Living with myself, I always believed that I could ultimately own who I am, make that decision for myself, and be consciously free of the shackles that bind others. The problem is that without new information, there is nothing to base your self-perception off of. I could read a book or watch a meaningful documentary, but why would I do that when I'm comfortable? When I'm comfortable, I would prefer to stay that way, which means avoiding struggle, challenge, and, worst of all, responsibility. One of the great things about people is that they give you new information whether you want it or not. This is uncomfortable and when someone exploits your insecurities, it induces another level of anger or anxiety. There's nothing worse than somebody pointing out that you aren't perfect. The problem is, none of us are perfect. Now, there are certain people we are more likely to accept opinions from, and expect these people to keep us in check. How many of us really do that? Unless someone is entirely out of line, how often do we pull each other over and have a serious discussion about the other? How can I trust my own opinion enough to do that for you? How can I trust you enough to know that you're speaking from compassion and not selfishness? This is where the discussion needs to play a massive role. I'll accept what you believe, as long as we can hash it out together. I won't blindly accept the opinions of others based on their self-perceived authority. This is ironic because I am constantly trying to maneuver my personality around the invisible negative opinions of others. I aim to please, yet I know I can't please everybody. Maybe I'll be fine with one, two, or maybe even three people but eventually, you get to a point where you have to decide who you prefer to make happy. This person should be yourself. The problem, of course, is how do you please yourself? I see that you should aim to be yourself, which means not letting the opinions of others influence your behavior. This reveals you in your entirety, your insecurities, fears, pleasures, pains, curiosities, etc. What if you get rejected? What if the people around you no longer accept you? Should you let parts of yourself go in order to appease them? Is it selfish not to? If you must be yourself to grow and love yourself, then letting parts of yourself go in order to make others happier is against self-growth and self-love. Isn't this obvious? How come, then, is it so difficult to be yourself? The rejection of the people around you will not kill you. If you risk rejection in being yourself, then the people who reject you do not love you. I'm scared I'll realize people don't love me. I try to put love into the world because I want to believe that if you give love, you will receive love. This isn't necessarily true. I feel unlovable. I feel that if I put myself into the world, the world will conspire against me. How do I get rid of this? How do I find love and acceptance in the whole world? Where does it start? Of course, it starts with me. I have a fear of being rejected by my friends and never being able to move into a new social group. I cling to these people who don't seem to care much about me. Do I care about them? Do I love them? Or do I think I need them? Do I think that, without them, I'll be nothing? It won't kill me if I lose them. My foundation would shatter and I would have to build a stronger one. Maybe this fear will end up being a self-fulfilling prophecy. I have so much underlying fear and insecurity surrounding my relationships that I inevitably push other people away due to my lack of trust. It is not on them to get me to trust them. It is on me to accept their trust and extend my own. How can I do this? What is different inside of me that makes it difficult? Many major relationships I've had, familial, friendly, or romantic, have ended abruptly and poorly. Some due to my own fault. I got so lucky with my current group of friends. Without them, I have no clue where I would be. I give them credit for what I've done. To be fair, they deserve some credit for being so accepting and kind, but everything I've done has been me. I have to accept that I can be my own foundation when all else fails. Accept or believe? Am I doomed to have a false sense of confidence in order to survive? How can I know the difference between false and real confidence? Is my perception of false confidence overly negative? In my mind, false confidence leads to ridiculous arguments that can have an effect on a personal basis or on the whole of society. Important figures who believe in the image of themselves that other people produce, such as "genius" and  "revolutionary", often speak with a wonderful sense of confidence to a large portion of impressionable people. How can a person be so confident that they believe they can speak with no filter and not worry that they could have a negative impact on a portion of society? How could you live with yourself if you're labeled a genius and you say something that makes an impressionable somebody feel completely useless or inadequate? Is it your responsibility, even? If you believe that somebody else has the power to label you a genius, and you accept it, then you must also accept the responsibility when somebody considers you to be harmful. How can you pick and choose? I feel uneasy when I see spiritual leaders, political figures, or anybody else that is an important public figure speak with so much confidence that it seems they feel they can say nothing wrong. They aren't careful about what they say. Someone at such a level should be aware and careful about what they say and do. This should be ingrained in them, to be aware that they are speaking to so many people and that each person is different, and these people look up to them so much so that they hold a piece of these people's minds in their hands. To me, it seems as though someone who isn't aware or careful is someone who has accepted that there are those who will agree with them and revere them no matter what they say. There is a portion of the population who build a portion of their mind around these figures. Politicians are aware of this and they abuse it to a despicable extent. Is it even possible to be a figure like this and care for all of humanity? Is a single person capable of so much love? I guess that person would be Jesus, huh?  

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