Self-Control

     I have a problem with self-control. I have addictions that I consistently indulge in. Luckily, they aren't overtly harmful to others. Unluckily, they are directly harmful to me. I am a self-saboteur. I recognize my desires and I indulge with ignorance. I purposely usher out my critical thought so that I can appease my sense of desire. We all do this. Not for a moment would I believe that there is a person on this planet that does not indulge from time to time. Maybe I think that to make myself feel better. Maybe there are people out there who are masters of mental discipline. All I know is that I have never met one and I certainly am not one. Ironically, I do feel this sense of discipline. I am cognitively aware of my ability to problem solve, which is, I think, relatively new for me. I have always felt pretty comfortable in being able to use common sense to justify my decisions or lack thereof. The problem is, common sense could be considered mass-produced wisdom. There is wisdom in much of common sense, yet common sense ought to be challenged. I believe everything in society should be challenged by the individuals within it. That is the only way progress can be achieved. I use this line of thinking to excuse some of my indulgences. Drinking too much, experiencing certain drugs, and giving attention to certain people. It's about restructuring perception. My perception of these experiences is that, in a way, they're almost noble. I push myself to the brink, challenging common sense in a way an angsty teenager would rebel against their parents. What I want to make clear to everybody, and hopefully this is understandable, is that this is a phase. I am being self-destructive, which I can not argue against. I am making mistake after mistake for the sake of my desires. In a sense, to me, this is noble. In another sense, it is the least noble of all actions.

    Why do I feel that this is noble? The challenging of societal norms. Some people might say that some norms don't need to be challenged. I would say that is ridiculous. Think of every way we have progressed in the past. Many of the people who have initiated this progress have been social pariahs. Now, I am not saying that the behavior of getting plastered at a club is akin to Galileo being considered a heretic for telling the church that the Earth revolves around the sun. What I am saying is that personal growth comes from experience. The problem isn't necessarily that I indulge in my desires, it's that I am dishonest with myself and, therefore, the people around me. I can pull mental gymnastics to satisfy myself within a discussion but I am shameful of my mistakes. I cover this shame with laughter. Laughter is better than self-pity, yet, maybe it is considered an overcorrection. I'm not taking my mistakes seriously. One reason I find it hard to do this is that other people are also shameful. Not of themselves but of me. I make them feel shameful as a byproduct of my own behavior. They won't admit it. They also perform mental gymnastics to distance themselves from me as opposed to empathizing with me. Empathizing is too hard for them, which is why I laugh. I laugh, in part, at other people. Their inability to understand what I see and my inability to express myself are extremely frustrating. My pain causes you to have pain and you condemn me for it? It makes sense to me that this is you condemning me for something you would be ashamed of. Shame is irrelevant. The cynics, smart as they were, acted like fools and lived on the street solely to challenge the norms of society. These cynics are full of wisdom, yet other people condemned them on the basis of their superficial perceptions. I am not a fool. None of us are fools. We have reasons for what we do. We all struggle to understand ourselves. How do we not empathize with each other in this regard? Some people are nearly too far gone to be reasoned with. Not me. I am not hard to reason with. Other people have trouble initiating their reasoning with me. This is what I have a problem with. I am not a mind reader. I am not going to look for every possible thing I might have done or could do wrong just to appease the judge that lives in the minds of others. I am a good person. Superficially, people see it. Look deeper, though. You are a good person. You hate me because you hate yourself. I am not perfect. We are not perfect. The only thing that we can do is learn from our mistakes, anything else is living on the words of others. I am here to be an individual, not somebody who will be willed around by others. I intend to live freely. I intend to grow. I intend to help others. I intend to make the world a better place. My capacity for good is nothing compared to the bad I've mistakenly put into the world. That's all bad is. There is no good or bad. Nothing is black and white. Everybody who is "bad" is someone who is stuck making mistakes because their insecurities don't allow them to view themselves as a good person. If someone embraces the role of being "bad" they do so because they feel they do not have the capacity to do "good". This is instilled in them by their parents, siblings, peers, and media. What you believe of the world and yourself is dependent on what you are exposed to. There is no point in considering anything you've done to be "good" or "bad", you can only look at how your actions affect others, determine how you feel about them, and try to improve based on your own perceptions. It helps so much to have input from others but people are so scared to give their opinions about other people to their face. The most confident people I know struggle with this. It initiates anger, anxiety, sadness, and many more emotions that are unproductive and lead to no progress whatsoever. So why did you confront this person in the first place? To feel self-righteous? There ought to be a place for confrontation in society. Confrontation not based on emotion but based on true thought. True thought, of course, coincides with emotion. The problem is, people don't want to admit the emotions that they feel. This is vulnerability. Interestingly enough, being vulnerable is being strong. So people dance around their vulnerabilities, both overtly aware of theirs and the others, but desperately trying to cover them up with emotions not based on the event, but on pride or desire or envy. Sins that we believe control us. That's not what controls us. It is our inability to look them in the face. It is fear. Fear keeps us from recognizing what is inside of us. We have to be able to recognize that there is nothing inside of us that is good or bad. Only thoughts and emotions we can reason with if we accept them. It helps to anthropomorphize them for the sake of understanding but truthfully it is a conversation with yourself. You have to consider all possibilities without letting them be interfered with. Once you can do this, it is easier to feel and do what is right. What is right is not good. What's right is fair and just and healthy. I recognize my shame but I do not let it control me. I recognize my fear but I do not let it control me. I recognize my mistakes but I do not let them control me. On the flip side, I recognize my happiness but I should not let it control me. I recognize my desire but I should not let it control me. I recognize my envy but I should not let it control me. 

    I'm a work in progress. Aren't we all?