Thinly Veiled - A Cyclical Analysis

    Life is about figuring out where your thoughts are relevant to reality and then confining yourself within appropriate boundaries. Everybody does this, but perhaps, some people are naturally better at recognizing which thoughts align within a set of appropriate parameters. This is also a developmental skill that is required in order to socialize and generally function within society. If it is not possible for an individual to tether their thoughts to an appropriate boundary, they will be rejected by society. This is one possible version of insanity. Assume a child lives life generally sedentary and unsocial, missing key developmental areas of socialization and discipline. Assume this lack of discipline and socialization carries onto young adulthood and experimentation. A natural existential crisis may arise from this, as society is generally geared towards people who are disciplined and social. Assume this young adult experiments with psychedelics. This person has not learned to live within appropriate boundaries, and has now engaged in an activity which is known to blur the line between reality and thought. This person has a profound experience, considering concepts they never had before, and they reflect those concepts back onto themselves and society. How do they decide which concepts are important, valuable, and true, and which are not? At this point, this individual is looking at every concept equally because there is no ingrained societal pressure or discipline to return to, and to answer that question for them. Assume they continue missing developmental milestones, struggling with basic social skills, and living with a profound existential confusion. Where does this person end up? How would society view such a person? How would such a person explain themselves to the world? 

    Now what if the person is aware of this? Through introspection, they gain this profound understanding of themselves. They understand that they're disconnected from society, and they understand the only path through this existential confusion, is to reintegrate with society. This is, presumably, true. Yet, they have a profound anxiety. They question every word they utter, small movements, and are confounded by the apparent ease at which others navigate through life. They understand relationship dynamics enough to understand that they need to provide and care for the person that they're in a relationship, romantic or otherwise, with. They understand that different relationships call for different dynamics. Yet, they have a profound doubt in their ability to maintain and promote positive relationships due to their awareness of their missed developmental milestones. So, they have few relationships, which they keep at a distance, and struggle to understand what's necessary in order to build upon said relationships. Their ability to learn is hindered by their lack of experience learning, specifically in areas of socialization, but also practical concepts. So, they have a deep understanding of underlying psychological issues, as well as certain universal philosophical ideas, yet feel unable to properly communicate them. Understanding that most people are unable to comprehend or emotionally manage such intense ideas, relating to the awareness of certain relational dynamics, the person chooses to remain silent, instead. The people around him don't understand him because he puts on a stoic facade. He doesn't trust his ability to express emotions properly. Or if he expresses them, then feeling fearful knowing the next logical step would be to communicate them. Also understanding he's generally past the stage in life where it's acceptable to be emotionally chaotic. 

    As this person lives this way, they grow disillusioned with intellectual concepts. Not finding joy in discussing abstract or grounded topics. Entertainment becomes no more or less interesting or important than Kant's Categorical Imperative. Their inability to understand or differentiate grand and minor ideas plagues them and further isolates them. They grow closer with their baser desires, but remain aware that turning to these will do more harm than good to both him and others. They begin to question their possible destinations. "Is reintegration still possible? At what point is it no longer attainable? Is it worth striving for regardless of the emotional toll? Will I be able to strive for it, or will I eventually forget its importance, too? If I do, and I turn to base desires, I'll do more to hurt myself, the people around me, and society. If I trend in this direction, would it be to my benefit and to the world's for me to commit suicide before I hurt anybody?" Another, deeper existential crisis underlying the one, perhaps multiple, ongoing. One that questions if the ability to hope will be ripped away, or slowly disintegrate, from him if he continues to live as he does. If he is unable to successfully reintegrate. At it's core, losing hope in hope. That, in itself (as he is aware), is a recipe for disaster. One that reinforces and builds upon this foundational existential crisis. 

    He understands this: What gives ideas power is a meaningful hug. To mean that all intellectual, practical, and ideas otherwise do not matter unless there is a profound connection with society in the form of community, family, and relationship. From this, he understands the power of love, yet sometimes mistakes it for desire, and vice versa, and fears both. As love means showing his flaws to the world, the many he believes he has, and perhaps he is unable to do this without hurting those he loves. In a way, he's a hopeless romantic with all of the world, and feels he has the ability to place this profound emotion onto an individual. Perhaps his love can shine brighter because of this, or perhaps he'll be forever insecure, always checking to make sure he's loved in return. On the day he learns that the love is no longer there, and he must return to the place he was before, his hope may shatter. So he's afraid to love because he may be proven right, that he is not loveable. That he'll cause more pain than there otherwise would have been. And he feels this, throughout the day. Minor attempts to share love, sometimes received, always impermanent, never satisfying. Perhaps misunderstood. Wanting more than just a smile but how much more? How much can he ask of individuals, when he does not give them much to begin with? How can he, at this stage, learn to trust himself? Reintegration.