self-compassion and who am i?

     When I attempt to write, I try to pull from within. I search for a way to convey, understand, and explore whatever is most emotionally impactful in the moment. I intend to do this almost without thought, so that my self-consciousness doesn't cloud or betray what it is I'm "truly" thinking. So that I learn all that I can from what's within. Self-discovery. I'm attempting to shed the gray clouds and the demons that distort and disguise my mind. In doing this, I think I've found that those clouds and demons are what made up much of the whole of my mind. In a sense, I did have to shed the demons, but only to find and be compassionate with the innocence underneath. Innocence not in the sense of not being guilty but closer to a learned ignorance. How "learned" is this ignorance? Who's to say? Perhaps it functioned as a way to distract from the pain of not understanding what others seemed to understand with relative ease. Perhaps that feeling, that others seemed to understand, is because they were taught lessons and treated with a compassion that I never received. They received validation that I have felt so much conflict, even guilt, over receiving and giving to myself. Regardless, the central question remains: Who am I?

    A question of this sort can be grappled with from many different angles. Philosophically, you have existentialists who say existence precedes essence. We are born tabula rasa and decide who we are through the deliberate choices we make in the face of the absurdity of living. Stoics who say we must live in accordance with the Logos, the natural law. I won't pretend to have a breadth or depth of knowledge regarding philosophies, which I am eager to place so far beyond me, that grapple with the problem of self-human understanding. There are evolutionary biologists who believe that we are genetically predestined by a product of billions of years of evolution to be procreation and survival machines. Religiously, more specifically Christianity, which gives us a predestined spiritual fate which is maintained by the will of God. These are basic examples, and I'm not attempting to cover the ground of every example which is out there, as I am not the person for that, nor is it what I'm attempting to get at. I have my own, vague definition of what we are. We are defined by the constraints which we are born with, which can expand and shrink through experience, action, and willful self-guidance. The constraints have undefinable limits, which allows for endless optimism. This is not something that I can definitively know to be true. However, we seem to be constantly surprised by the ability of the brain to adapt to new situations and recover from injuries that seemed permanent.

    Neuroplasticity is essential to my view. Knowledge of the brain's ability to physically adapt to create new neural pathways and to reorganize its structure and function is vital to the optimism needed by those with cognitive dysfunctions, depression, anxiety, and more. In the case of mental illness, understanding DBT and the learned schemas which can hinder a person as much as physical disabilities or neurological injuries. Now, there is a subjective limitation to how well neuroplasticity works which depends on the genetically-informed efficiency of an individual's neuroplasticity. Tying into this, there's another crippling limitation: time. Assuming a person has an average level of neuroplastic-efficiency, it will take them much longer to guide their neuroplasticity in the desired direction than someone who has an above-average level of neuroplastic-efficiency. It feels intuitive to consider that when a person consistently and willfully uses their neuroplasticity, it would also increase in efficiency, perhaps exponentially, barring neurological, physiological, and external limitations. However, even ignoring this, each person is still granted this gift of neuroplasticity to perhaps different levels of efficiency. 

    Presumably, neuroplasticity can alter the brain but with the limit of its fundamental structure. In a case such as ASD, ADHD, and certain brain injuries, there may be a fundamental difference which the neuroplasticity can not directly alter, but it is certainly able to play a role in improving the symptoms. This provides comfort as long as we are able to accept our limitations. More accurately, accept that we can not truly know what they are. We are as we are and there's no knowing what we might be capable of if we had the experience of another. Or what another very intelligent person would look like if they lived our life. Perhaps proper validation and compassion are essential to neurological development. Perhaps someone like me, who self-harmed in the form of headbanging, blacking out on alcohol, and disregard for my well-being would find greater comfort in challenging the unknown, knowing I was loved on either side of knowledge. Perhaps I wouldn't have had thoughts about not wanting to be able to think, about actively wanting to shut off my brain and my ability to learn in order not to have to deal with the pain and loneliness that I experienced as a child. 

    This was not an attempt to answer the question "Who am I?" This was a way to give myself compassion and comfort in the form of putting my worldview into writing. It was also not an attempt to establish or share a philosophical worldview with arguments, premises, and axioms. I gave myself compassion when I saw the many assumptions I was making, the knowledge I didn't have, and the threads that ultimately failed to produce a substantial conclusion. I noticed my voracity to learn as much I could to fill the holes and mend the threads. I watched as my tired mind failed to be clear and therefore make itself clear in its expression. To me, that is due to a lack of knowledge. Then I must ask myself, what am I trying to learn and what for? Why must I have a comprehensive worldview, impervious to objection? Would it serve me as well as self-compassion does? If you're not willing to give me compassion, why would I allow you to pull me into a world comprised only of intellect and concepts? Finally, is this the dwindling of an intellectual drive, the acceptance of a poor self-image, or is it the compassionate transformation into a stable, self-validating self-concept which is able to explore ideas without the feeling of there being great stakes?