the critically uncritical life

    I know that I've accepted my fallibility. I guess I was hoping, through some reverse psychology, that it would lead me to a more relaxed type of self-critique. A way to learn without hyper focusing on how the information reflects on my ego. Possibly, in a deeper anxiety or a greater illusion, how my awareness of my ability to process that information reflects on my ability to construct a critical cognitive framework. If I could detach from my projection and anxious attachment to information, mainly new information, I would find greater ease in my ability to process and consolidate it without pairing it with my anxious self-esteem. Instead I've found that as my anxiety decreases so does my drive to seek out this new information. So does the pressure I put on myself to remember it. When I consider this, it only reinforces the deeper anxiety which ignites sticky thoughts of my place within society, within relationships, and within the worlds of professionalism and intellectualism. Thoughts that lead me to a sense of despair and fatalism about my potential, the general importance of cognitive differences, and hope for growth and change in individuals as well as humanity. 

    What was I born capable of? What were my genetic limitations and potential and how were they expanded and minimized by my environment? From where I'm sitting it seems difficult for us, as in humanity, to know how to assess cognitive differences that stem solely from genetics. I'm limited here which makes it very easy to consider my ADHD, possible ASD, GAD, MDD, and average cognitive functioning to be genetically given to me. I can compare myself to someone who doesn't have these difficulties (aside from average cognitive functioning) and imagine what it's like to be them. The ideal mental clarity, cognitive flexibility, and fluidity of thought and imagination that some people may be capable of. Then, from there, I can scale down, and as I scale down, I find myself feeling so very far from that. I look at other people who speak with a certain confidence and verbal fluidity that I assume reflects their cognitive ability. 

    Then I reflect on the differing environments we all grew up in. I find ways to blame my parents for inhibiting and invalidating my thought processes so that it may not even be of use for me nurture and respect my mind. I consider other people who received constant validation, perhaps their confidence is built on this rather than clear, reasonable understanding? Or am I simply unable to follow their reasoning with the same clarity, so I find ways to discredit theirs? To an extent, maybe it depends on individual genetic differences as well the individual type of validation they received. Unconditional validation vs validation given when genuine effort is put in to arrive at a type of reasonable conclusion. The core problem remains: what matters is not whether or not they have greater cognitive ability, but my ability to respect myself enough to stand up for my own interpretation and thoughts on the topic of discussion. 

    This seems to bring up another problem. If I have suspicion that I have, by genetics or experience, a below average, or perhaps broken/distorted cognitive ability, why would I respect my interpretation and thoughts on anything given the inherent nuance and complexity within many topics? Given this suspicion, the risks seems to outweigh the rewards. Potential risks being losing social standing, feeling embarrassed if proven wrong, and confusing or throwing off potentially productive discourse. Potential rewards being gaining social standing, a sense of pride in being right, and contributing to productive discourse. Well, those actually do seem quite balanced. It seems the problem is actually something more like, either possibility contributes to my sense of self-worth that hinges on being a productive member of intellectual discourse. This is where I might be able to identify a cognitive dissonance within my beliefs OR a belief, a self-image, and who I actually am. 

    One of my beliefs being that a productive member of society is somebody who has good enough cognitive ability to determine a decent-enough interpretation of the world around them enough to guide society in a generally positive direction. Another one being that I can clearly determine cognitive ability through observation and interaction. Another one being that I don't have the cognitive ability to clearly interpret the world around me. Another one being that no individual can clearly analyze themselves in a vacuum without bias, however people can better analyze who they are within relationships, social groups, and society at large (which is still fluid, not unchanging, both their position in relation to the categories as well as the categories in relation to them). Though people are still subject to bias and will readily accept some opinions rather than others. Though people certainly have better memories than others, which potentially allows for greater intellectual positioning. Well, except in cases of less exceptional executive functioning, where it may be a bit more difficult to retrieve memories willfully. Or in cases where executive functioning is strong, but short and long-term memory are less-so. This points to the unique cognitive development of every individual who can different strengths and weaknesses. It doesn't seem crazy to assume, though, that there are individuals who, through genetics and experiences, have overall generally lower cognitive functioning. It also doesn't seem crazy to assume that someone might excel in self-awareness or specific observations of their mind and recognizes that they fall short in many of these categories of cognitive functioning. Equally so, a person who puts an emphasis on vacuous self-awareness and self-observation could fundamentally mistake them for self-critique and self-deprecation perpetuated by core beliefs about their worth and an anxiety and depression which disrupt their executive functioning. So, there may be some truth to their self-awareness of difficulty of executive functioning, but it may be filtered through many biases which disrupt and distort their perception of their own mind.  Are we getting anywhere?

    Enough about me, what about you? How does YOUR brain work? I'll discuss this with you but be careful. Don't show any fallibility, don't falter when I'm articulate, and don't compliment my intelligence. I'll discard you in the marketplace of ideas, and your thoughts will lose value. I am the productive member of society with the goal of guiding us in the right direction. You're still a child, distracting yourself and not taking things very seriously. The hierarchy has shifted, and I'll humbly step above you. 

    I still have ambitions. I look around and see workers in service and trade, content with living a life free of responsibility or duty to their society. You contribute for your family, it's cute. Admirable, even. But don't you feel it? Look around. The media apparatus is broken, most jobs are sucking the spirit of individuals, and we cope using distractions, drugs, and alcohol. Don't you see it? There is no curiosity or ambition to improve our society. We've been taught to accept the tragedy of the oppression of the individual by our parents, peers, and schools. What do so many people amount to? A sixty year old woman, a long-time McDonald's employee, dies of lung cancer. A choice or a slow chipping away of her individuality by the environment around her? Parents who never finished college, never treated their relationships with genuine care, and thought almost nothing of what was immediately surrounding them. Peers almost the same, she'd met a few honestly curious people in High School, yet never fully understood them and thought them strange. Her first boyfriend showed her a glimpse of real care and love which made her anxious and uncertain, thanks to her parents' unloving relationship. She couldn't afford to go to college, didn't have access to opportunity, became addicted to smoking cigarettes after seeing a commercial for them, got stuck at monotonous job for most of her life, and ultimately died a loveless, limited life. Tell me this woman isn't a tragedy? How many people does this woman resemble? Tell me you aren't deeply afraid of being this woman. Now explain to me why you don't fight like Hell to explore life in all of its beauty, darkness, and complexity. 

    Now I'll tell you what scares me. That I could spend all my time exploring life in this way and it wouldn't help me. I could spend my time reading books and experiencing new and great things. I fear my interpretation would be shallow, my experience temporary, and my memories dim or nonexistent. Maybe I could even become a therapist or a psychiatrist. Maybe I could do research and push our understanding of humanity forward in a positive way. Even if I did that, even if I reached such great ambitions, I'm worried I'll still go home and find myself unfulfilled, thoughtless, and waiting for death. It feels good to think that I could do those things. It provides me with a sense of comfort and joy. Until I reflect on what it means to become that person. Until I reflect on how I look down on people for being in a trade or service, and I feel distraught. Or empty. I empty my ambitions to search for human ground. I recognize my condescension and feel shame. But I need it. 

    I need to maintain this near-divine ideal self-image. It is what gives my life purpose. I need to believe I can do it. Because you didn't believe you could. It tears me apart to think of your low self-esteem, your poor self-image. The one given to you by the system and environment we were born into. This is my act of rebellion. This is my declaration of superiority. This is my greatest act of compassion. But if I'm not capable, if I were to take up the time and resources to attempt to achieve this aspiration only to stare failure in the face, would I regret the connections I never forged due to my self-perceived superiority? In the same way, am I constantly missing chances at fulfilling acts of compassion due to my self-perceived inferiority? If I become that person, would I only cement and further perpetuate this condescending compassion that clashes with imposter syndrome? What am I capable of tomorrow?