unfinished

 It's times like these I look for God. Something, someone to guide me. To instill some sense of hope. To help me see clearly. I am terrified. This slow fall into helplessness. I can take care of my physical needs, just barely. I see people, but I feel like I can't speak. There was, not too long ago, a sense of solace about that. A rational faith in taking actions that would eventually stabilize and elevate me. I'm not too sure about that, now. Especially with my ambition. This contrast leads me not to consider a realistic path forward, but a shroud of despair. Despair about the possibility of enjoying the rest of my life. The career path I take or even my ability to hold a well-enough job. What happened? 

    This despair has a powerful effect. It keeps me from seeking change. It perpetuates damaging cycles of addiction. I fear my misuse of stimulants will lead to a psychotic break. I fear I can't function well enough without them. I fear therapy is no longer working for me. I fear I'm too far gone. 

    Why? I think I put too much hope into what a relationship would do for me. It has, without a doubt, been beneficial. It was especially beneficial at the beginning because I felt pride in my proactive approach to ethical and relational concerns. There were two paths forward in my mind: either I put effort into ensuring that this relationship was what I needed and wanted it to be and we can be comfortable enough to grow within a strong foundation, or I fail to cover my bases and the relationship becomes a net negative for both of us. In the latter situation, my greatest fear was that we would perpetuate each other's negative, unhealthy traits. I made it a point to be as concerned with her emotional and physical health as I was with mine to minimize the potential power imbalance of our 5-year age gap. 

    Why did I go down that path? I think it's partially because I believe she's concerned that she has had a negative effect on me and my mental health. So I think I'm reflecting on the relationship for two reasons: 1. to determine if there is something about the relationship (not her) that I'm struggling with, and 2. to prove her wrong. I think it's pertinent to point out that this re-consideration of the relationship is happening just after our highest high, when I felt incredible about what we had achieved together and what we were maintaining. During this, she experienced a lot of stressors that I wanted to help her cope with. I've been helping mostly materially, but I've been at quite a loss on how to help her emotionally. Perhaps I should've been more proactive in trying to communicate that, but I didn't want to potentially contribute to her problems. I wanted to be her safe, comfortable space. But I did not feel as though I accomplished that, even though she communicated to me that I was.

    This is where my history of self-doubt grips its burning hands around my chest. During this, I had a significant stressor in the form of a conversation with my Aunt and our manager about workplace communication, respect, privilege, family history, our personal relationship, and trauma. Stella and I had been talking frequently at work, as young couples who work together do, and April was unhappy with it. What was relayed to me by Stella was that April "lowkey yelled at her" in front of others and said that we were "up each other's asses". Long story short, she brought it up to me and the conversation, in which I felt very confident at the beginning, became one that chipped away at my confidence and exposed a fundamental anxiety. The anxiety of epistemic uncertainty.

    The question I struggle to answer is: